Part of my treatment process for PTSD - " Thai Restaurant visits and Thai food "

avatar
(Edited)

A day without medicine is like a day without food. To see how I am doing, I didn't take medicine yesterday, and today from the morning not only I started feeling restless but also I felt anxious and stressed. This was an experiment to see how things will go without medicine and all I can it's not good. I thought I could manage myself without medicine because it's been a month since I have been constantly taking medicines for my PTSD. My nightmares stopped and I sleep for 4-5 hours but still, my mind and feelings are so delicate and sensitive. As I said before, my doctor told me that my body is in survival mode and my brain says another thing and my mind do another thing.

My doctors are also doing some experiments with me to see my reactions. Sometimes I am like a normal person who understands everything but when it comes to doing something, I feel scared and useless. My doctors started giving me tasks that I find very hard to fulfill. I cannot do it. I never thought that a simple task can be so difficult for me. Nothing inspires me or motivates me but my doctor said, "Fake it until you make it"... I didn't understand what he meant though.

Yesterday I had a long session with my doctor. He talked to me first, asked me so many questions and then he took me for a walk. I asked him a simple question yesterday. I asked, "Why Now". I have gone through a lot but I never felt so broken and helpless. Why this is happening now? Why I don't feel motivated or inspired toward anything? His answer was simple, everyone has a breaking point and this was your breaking point.

Each step of my treatment now feels like I am climbing a mountain. Eventually, I give up quickly. My body and mind cannot take anything intense and I feel pressure and start panicking. It feels like I gave up on myself.

I am a very strange person or maybe because of the war between my brain and my thoughts, I act and react so strangely. I know this is not me but I can't help with my intense reflections or thoughts. I try to sleep, I try to relax but I cannot. I am always in alert mode, I react to almost everything so quickly. My other question was what is the point of living and establishing life again because nothing is constant? I built my life and a circumstance or a force snatched everything away from me so what's the point of living this life? He said, Humans try to survive in any circumstances and you will survive again.

One of my given tasks was to go to a good restaurant and find food that I like. The reason for this task was to relish the food, enjoy the moment and be grateful for everything. My psychologist told me to talk to people and to start socializing but it was one of the most difficult tasks for me right now so my second task was finding food, taking photos, and observing. Well, I am going to write the result...


20230313_115642.jpg


The first photo was about the neighborhood and surroundings. Same kind of Dutch architectural building, similar pattern, the same sky, and clouds. I wanna mention that this task was based on what I loved to do before and to take a small step towards my recovery. And as a result, I took this photo thinking the buildings look nice together. I haven't seen anything else.


20230310_213003.jpg

20230310_213017.jpg

20230310_212957.jpg


You might think what a fancy place I have chosen for my task but it was nothing like that. A part of my treatment is to find something that I like and feel good about it. Good food used to make me happy always. Also, I was able to discover a new restaurant as well. This is a Thai restaurant called "Thaicoon" located in Almere, Netherlands. To be honest I didn't know the lighting system of this restaurant otherwise I would have never chosen this restaurant considering my mental condition. I cannot handle dark things or warm-tone colors. Warmer color shades make me anxious. My brain considers red lighting as a danger. But ya, I had no other option so I went to the restaurant.

I was in a challenging position, it was a nice restaurant but somehow I was feeling stressed. The red color seemed like a danger to me and my mind was kind of connecting this red light with blood. I was feeling vulnerable but it was a safe place. People were enjoying the food while I was like telling myself calm down, this is a restaurant. I still don't know why I acted like that.

At one point I was stunned, completely silent, and even forgot to order food. I completely locked down myself for a while.

Maybe now you are thinking how strange I am...


20230310_195120.jpg

20230310_195059.jpg

20230310_212952.jpg

20230310_212948.jpg


I would have enjoyed every moment there if I was being by myself like before but this new me I don't even know. She is a very critical and complicated individual.

Thaicoon was a typical Thai restaurant, the interior was designed following Thai culture with a modern touch. Anyway, I ordered food but I can't even remember now what I ordered that day.


20230310_201742.jpg

20230310_211230.jpg

20230310_195144.jpg20230310_204451.jpg20230310_195059.jpg


All I can remember ordering Tom Yum soup, sticky rice with mango for dessert, and for the main course sweet sour chicken with rice.

I didn't focus on anything. After finishing my soup, I couldn't even taste my main course and all I did was, sit there like a zombie. I didn't go alone to the restaurant though but another person also couldn't enjoy his food because of my attitude.

20230310_204507.jpg20230310_204459.jpg20230310_201730.jpg

The soup so was tasty and delicious and the sticky rice with mango was so good. The only thing I enjoyed was the sticky rice with mango. The flavor was very unique and delicious.

I didn't want to spend time in the restaurant anymore so I asked the waitress for takeaway rest of my food.

After returning to my room, I started to recall what happened. Well, I knew what I was feeling was not normal but I couldn't stop it. At some point, I lost consciousness and I even couldn't focus on anything. It was like a dead person went to a restaurant to eat food.


20230310_195134.jpg

20230310_213009.jpg20230310_212943.jpg20230310_195054.jpg

I also know my writing is very unclear and it doesn't make any sense... But one day when I will be better, I will edit this post...

Until then...

Peace...

P.S.: Pardon me for the late comment reply...


Love

Priyan...


I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...


Find me on:

All images used are captured by the author...

food life writing ua blog thoughts treatment photography foodie mentalhealth
0
0
0.000
48 comments
avatar

You are never strange. A month on meds isn't a long time really. I think you are doing really well. ❤️

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

It feels like a year, to be honest, and I am becoming very strange and weird nowadays. Probably its a sign of evaluation... Don't know yet... :D

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

I'm always strange and weird and I have no excuse. I think the support you are receiving will keep you on the right track.

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

Let's see but as far as I know I am not crazy yet... Hahaha... And I am a top level weirdo...

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

The fake-until-it-real trick is a strategy I've seen work in laughter therapy, you make a fake laugh, but with practice, it happens that the endorphin release and the behavior of the brain begins to resemble that of a person as if they were laughing at something funny.

I am concerned about the experiments, but I understand that they are necessary to be able to evaluate the progress or the state of the treatment, but that they suspend the medication when only a month has passed, it seems a bit risky to me.

I liked the task of going out and eating something in a restaurant :)

Thinking about how we all have a breaking point, I think that's true. In all aspects, there is a limit point, it is like when I had to run from a violent assault attempt and I did not feel any pain or shortness of breath, until I was already in a place where I could feel safe and I collapsed on the ground with joint pain, shortness of breath, and I found out that I had hurt myself a bit in the race, but I think with the adrenaline I didn't feel it. All the sensations exploded when he couldn't take it anymore, but at least I was far enough away that he was out of immediate danger.

A regular architecture gives me a strange impression, I am Latin American and our city is usually a bit messy and not very uniform in its facades.

I must confess that I don't like that lighting either... I suppose there are all kinds of tastes, but I don't like those colors. I hope that the person who accompanied you understand the situation, as well as I wish you that you get better soon and everything is for the better.

Stay !ALIVE
!LOLZ
!GIF Thai Restaurant!
!MEME
!PGM
!LUV
!CTP

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

The fake-until-it-real trick is a strategy I've seen work in laughter therapy, you make a fake laugh, but with practice, it happens that the endorphin release and the behavior of the brain begins to resemble that of a person as if they were laughing at something funny.

It took me some time to understand the joke but I did...He told me this to divert me into something because I was constantly talking about my misery and whatever he was saying, my answer was I cannot do it...

but that they suspend the medication when only a month has passed, it seems a bit risky to me.

They didn't stop my medications, I stopped them for 24 hours to see how I do or react. My biggest concern is I don't wanna rely on medicines only but I guess it's too early to think this. Besides, my doctors are planning to give me another medicine but before that, they are evaluating my treatment process. Basically yesterday I didn't take my medicines for 24 hours.

I must confess that I don't like that lighting either... I suppose there are all kinds of tastes, but I don't like those colors.

I am not alone I guess...

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

I confess that I have some aversion to red lighting, it is a bad childhood memory, and it also mixes a bit with my memories of the aesthetics of old horror movies, in short, it does not bring me any pleasant memories of an environment with red lights.

On the other hand, it is better to follow a treatment with the medical indication, not to suspend it at your own discretion without consulting first, suddenly, and you can pause the treatment, but it is better to ask the doctor if there are no contraindications.

Stay !ALIVE
!Gif red lights

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

On the other hand, it is better to follow a treatment with the medical indication, not to suspend it at your own discretion without consulting first, suddenly, and you can pause the treatment, but it is better to ask the doctor if there are no contraindications.

I learned my lesson and I saw how I felt without medicines. Next time definitely gonna ask my doctors before doing anything...

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

You have worried me at the beginning, medication is important for the process to go better. Please follow the instructions given to you by the doctor and therapists. From what you describe, they are doing a good job. I am an occupational therapist and I have worked with psychologists, I am telling you this as a professional.
I know that you want to be yourself, that the chemicals make you doubt if you are you, that sometimes you are afraid and sometimes you just want to go to sleep and not wake up again.
Keep trusting, you are doing very well. You went into that restaurant, you ordered the food, that was very, very difficult! I say this as a person who has been broken more than once. I've been there and that's why I can't help but reach out to you so you don't feel alone.
You will get through this, every day is one day less to get back to your self.
A hug. ❤️

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

I can't explain how much I appreciate each and every word you have written, it feels like someone is showing light in my dark life and encouraging me to go forward. The most important fact is your words gave me "hope". Hope for getting better and becoming normal again. Thank you...

I've been there and that's why I can't help but reach out to you so you don't feel alone.

Thank you once again for thinking about me...

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

I had ptds too I'm still taking medicines ❤️ keep strong a mont of medicines it's really a little time, mental health it's so an hard matter, need a lot to heal, by the way the restaurant look super

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

Every day is difficult and this illness is something that normal people never understand so easily. I wanted to ask you how long you have been taking the medicines because my fear is I have to take this medicine lifetime which I don't want...

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

The point is, it was another step forward. You did it! Well done.
You also managed to write an excellent and coherent post about it.
Don't rush. One step at a time because we all know you're going to get there sooner or later.

Be kind to yourself and keep going.

Best wishes and my thoughts are with you :-)

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

I took time writing this post because I was not so comfortable writing about my illness and thinking about what others will think about this. Because most of the time people love to read about happy and happening life.

I am in a dilemma where not only my thoughts are intense but also I am confused always. Small tasks seem huge to me and I often feel so rusty and tired.

My treatment evaluation process result will come next week and I don't know what the result gonna be...

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

I don't think people particularly like to read happy posts but they definitely like to read authentic posts written by authentic people.

Matters not what your evaluation says, only that you continue to get as much help as you need to keep moving forward.

You are also to be admired as by discussing your struggles so openly, you are perhaps helping others who maybe need help and can identify with you and give them the confidence to seek help.

Keep writing, keep it real, from the heart

Take care there :-)

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

Matters not what your evaluation says, only that you continue to get as much help as you need to keep moving forward.

That is true, my only focus should be to get better...

You are also to be admired as by discussing your struggles so openly, you are perhaps helping others who maybe need help and can identify with you and give them the confidence to seek help.

This is also my purpose too and that is why I am writing...

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

Sometimes when life knocks us down, baby steps are all we can take until our strength returns. I am proud of you, taking this small step forward! 💜

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

Thank you my dear @thekittygirl. To be honest, I feel so tired of everything, and every day I wake up in the hope of thinking; things gonna be fine which never happen. You know my entire story already and there is nothing new to tell. Let's see what is waiting for me next...

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

To be honest with you: the lighting in the place would not make me feel comfortable, either.
I couldn't have stayed there with so much red.
I don't doubt that the food was good, it looked very good, but that play of light seems disturbing to me.

The image of the houses and the sky is very good.

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

I thought due to my mental illness, I felt disturbed seeing the red light and sitting there. I guess I am not alone...

Have a great weekend...

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

Hun, you are not unclear in your writing and I admire your strength to do so. Ptsd has been with me for a long time and learning to live with it is a lifelong process. I am currently set back years by recent events and I can truly say that I know and feel exactly what you are going through. Just like many others. I haven't found the strength to express myself yet, you have. Your honesty here is very valuable!

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

Hi Anna, you know what my psychiatrist told me!!! He said to me "You are trying to reach the mountain quickly and you are pushing yourself so hard but remember you are still not ready to win Everest so don't push yourself". I have regrets, guilt and so much anger. My anger level is so intense that I wanna hurt myself or kill someone who mistreated me or didn't consider me a human. I wonder how you have learned to live life with PTSD because, for me, every single day is a curse...

I haven't found the strength to express myself yet, you have.

I guess I have other vulnerable and aggressive parts which you don't have :D hahaha... When you have time, leave me a text. You know where to find me... Let's have a chat...

@bulldog-joy

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

I will leave you a text the upcoming days and trust me, the feelings you describe are in me and recently coming to light again. The phases are just shorter and I am more aware of them. But a trigger is a trigger and it will trigger you.

I know the anger all too well, it is the easiest to handle, regrets a little less but it is about moving on after choices, the worst is the guilt, cause one has to forgive oneself and learn that there is no guilt, just circumstances.

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar
(Edited)

As someone stated in the comments, being on meds for a month is not long. It takes time for the Drs to find the correct medications. I have dealt with my own PTSD for a very long time. It took a long time to find the correct meds. I continue at my age to take them, even though I have been through many years of counseling, including PTSD counseling.

My thoughts and heart understand the nightmare. I know it will take time—maybe a longtime, and maybe a lifetime. Things will eventually begin to stabilize and you will begin to learn to live with what has happened to you.

take special care and be patient with the process. This part is not easy when you hurt so much.

@r2cornell

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

Sir, I wonder how you have dealt with PTSD so far, maybe we can have a little chat about this topic so that I also know what to do. Yes, doctors told me that there is no time frame or limit because not all humans are the same. This one month seemed like a year and I feel so low. I just can't forget those dark days in my life. I know I am in a safe place but the past seems so real sometimes.

Hopefully, my mental condition stabilize as soon as possible...

Thank you sir for taking the time to read my post...

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

Chat me up on Discord when you get a chance.

I do not believe one can forget the experiences that lead to PTSD. In time one learns to live with the memories, but from a different perspective. More the effects are still there so I still need medications, but the memories are not a nightmare.

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

Hi Dear, I am so sorry to read what you are going through. All this aftermath of the war has affected you a lot and it will be a long process, the important thing is that you never give up. Some people have the ability to overcome these things faster but not all people are the same, so everyone has their time.
I do not suffer from that condition that you currently suffer from, however, red lights have always bothered me, I do not like to enter places that do not have normal light, and if they are red I avoid them, I do not know why they have always made me nauseous.
Here in Venezuela, some Chinese restaurants used to have that kind of light, when I was little I remember that I didn't like it when my parents took me to one of those restaurants.

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

Last few months especially since the month of November I was having a hard time with my job and by myself too. A lot of incidents happened after the war and some intense circumstances were the reason for my mental breakdown where not only I was lost but also I tried to commit suicide. I am glad I asked for help and now taking treatment for recovery. I still don't know when I will be fully recovered, it is uncertain.

Most Thai and Chinese restaurants use this kind of light but to be honest, real Thai restaurants in Thailand; never use red color. I thought it was only me who felt uncomfortable with the red light... Glad I am not alone...

Have a great weekend @blessed-girl and I hope you are doing well...

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

Great to hear that you managed to go to the restaurant despite your reaction to it Priyan, I wish you all the best as your treatment progress and take care.

!ALIVE

0
0
0.000
Reply
avatar

Thank you and ya the step was uncomfortable and I was not ready for that but yes, thinking about my recovery, I had to do it...

Thanks once again, and have a good weekend...

0
0
0.000
Reply