It is not easy to admit certain things. It doesn't matter what context or what we are talking about or referring to. Whenever it has anything to do with admitting something, it will immediately have an extra burden... Having said that, I must add that I come here rather melancholic/nostalgic. I have seen some things, listened to some songs, that still have emotional power in me. I can live without these things making a gigantic difference in me, but I also can't deny that there are things from the past that still hurt me today, hurt me.
Reliving memories is not just mine. You, me, your friends; your children, your lover or that boyfriend/girlfriend you once had, do it too. It is very human to flirt with the times of years ago, with the past. If you look back, you will always be younger, healthier, stronger, probably more beautiful and definitely more hopeful and idealistic about the future? I have had an extremely personally demanding month of March. In many ways I feel like a failure and my mind takes me back to the teenager I was, to that rebellious and somewhat arrogant child that always existed within me....
For me it is a conflict that many things I have left behind (positive) I can no longer live or feel again. Mainly because it has human beings as part of that strange feeling of loss and at the same time longing.... I know, it's confusing, I know. However, time does not ‘forgive’ absolutely no one. We are all transitory passengers. The stones that make up the paths that saw us born, grow and develop are the same ones that will one day see us depart from this plane. And as a species we find it hard to accept our mortality, to accept that everything, absolutely everything is ephemeral.
Our human, individual and materialistic understanding confuses us. We honestly feel that we will make a difference, that we are one with the Cosmos or that ‘love’ can do anything. And sadly (I really emphasise what I mean here) it is not so. By dint of blows and losses I became quite minimalist. It doesn't have to be your case. But in mine, to end up on this side of the road is, to say the least, a complete surprise; and one of the biggest challenges of my existence. Listening to Hilary Duff's ‘Come Clean’, after putting together an overly emotional playlist, I realised I'd like to hug the 14 year old me....
To the child who found in the simplest, pinkest possible pop a glimmer of hope. No one could blame me for longing for something less bad, less real. It's funny, you know? Because I always thought my adulthood would be infinitely better than that turbulent adolescence I knew how to feel. Now, I wouldn't mind having a long talk with that confused girl and teaching her a lesson or two. The conflict of wanting and wanting things is cute. It's deeply human. It describes perfectly our nature as individuals, and in my case, it brings me back to my reality: to write to my inner teenager but with the wet spark of my adulthood....
All photographs and content used in this post are my own. Therefore, they have been used under my permission and are my property.
You're alright. You have a right to long for simpler, happier moments, but rest assured, this melancholy is bound to pass. (I'm always listening to songs and revisiting old times, also). Maybe trust that the reason you left those parts of your life is for a reason, you're growing towards someone else. It's what you're supposed to be doing, and if it turns out not to be, I'm sure you'll find the strength to turn around and make the life you need for yourself :) lovely post.
This image belongs to millycf1976 and was manipulated using Canva.
Aww I’m sure that 14 year old girl is definitely proud of how far you’ve come and the practices you’ve embraced to live a simpler life. And I don’t think being a failure is one of them even if that’s how you feel.