A cold and sunny autumn morning I took a walk and thought about a person I (once) loved....
(Edited)
I just got back from a very long walk. I simply woke up and from the moment I opened my eyes I felt the urge, the desire and the need (all together) to walk for miles. I needed to have a little catharsis. For months I have had something stuck between my chest and my back What do I mean by this? I had some things inside, that I systematically ignored and sooner or later that will take its toll.... You will have to take care of it. Today, Wednesday, I decided that no more... Either we deal with what distresses us or it consumes us.
Cardio, maintaining a routine of extensive walking every other day per week is the means I have decided to adapt within my routines in order to stay healthy and clear my mind. I have always been a woman who never stops thinking. My anxiety attacks have been a constant throughout my life. No matter the subject or the trigger, I have always tended to overthink in any circumstance. Which in the long run, is exhausting, horrible and most of all very tiring....
Now, I made coffee, took my daughter to school, and after dropping her off I decided not to return home. I stopped for a moment in front of the house of one of the people I have loved the most in my existence. Oddly enough, today I don't feel the slightest bit for that human being. It is amazing how feelings, experiences and experiences change drastically in a not too long period of time; although at the time, it would seem that it is the end of the world.
Why did I stop where I stopped? Because about a month ago I had a somewhat awkward conversation with my 8 year old daughter. She's at the stage where for almost anything she asks "why, Mommy?". Those of you who have kids will know very well what I mean.... Then, just out of the blue, without warning or "anesthesia", she asked me, "Mommy, why don't I have a daddy?" I confess that I froze immediately. Even though all single mothers, in one way or another, are somewhat predisposed to this kind of questions, we will never be fully prepared to face something like this....
I didn't flinch. I took a deep breath, and as best I could, I explained to him the relationship he and I had had. His abandonment as a possible father and especially the concept of fatherhood and motherhood. I told her that the most important duty and joy all parents have is to be there for their children. That she was not to blame for what had happened.... And that there are so many people who prefer to turn a blind eye to their duties and responsibilities; and that some of us women get to be both parents at the same time.
She understood it very well... My little girl is a beautiful and tremendously intelligent girl. She didn't cry or feel bad. She just made a small but powerful gesture of disappointment.... And that expression on her beautiful little face, triggered feelings of bitterness and frankly anger, that even I didn't know I held inside me.... My separation with him was hard, difficult and above all traumatic. I had a fatal pregnancy at his side, and a horrible experience in the time we were together. I would never tell my daughter, I'm not that kind of woman...
But I did decide to face my pent-up anger a little. I went outside, for minutes all I did was walk in a determined direction. I kept thinking about the expression, about those beautiful but sad eyes, because of the fate that had befallen my daughter. That memory fed my search for catharsis, to leave once and for all this powerful but negative feeling that I felt.... I arrived at her house, and realized that she was no longer there. His entire family no longer lived there. I didn't touch or do anything improper, but I realized just by observing that although it was the same house, they were not the same people....
I was very glad, to tell you the truth..... What would have happened if he had been there? I don't know. Maybe nothing. Because I'm not a violent woman or a lover of putting on shows or embarrassing myself in public. I just wanted to drain some of that guilt I feel for causing him what I know I have caused my daughter. I wish it were different, with all my heart.... But I won't be able to change that reality. What I can do, is to make her happy, fulfilled, healthy and intelligent. She has a beautiful and noble heart, which touches me very much, and that's what I cling to. To the love that she and I have for each other, not the love I once felt for someone who is not worth the effort....
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A good way to do catharsis is while we walk, dear friend @chris-chris92 I think that when walking we forget everything and our minds go blank, giving free rein to free our thoughts
Your girl is great and mature for her age, and how well she received your answer to that powerful question.
I appreciate you sharing this experience. Have a great walking day Wednesday.
Thank you for your support, friend. And yes, I needed to let this out. And thus was the best wsy to do so... And yes, my daughter is everything to me, and I know she is strong and clever but I hate to see that look on her gorgeous face... Thank you for understanding
I understand you perfectly, the things you mentioned in your lines are part of what I also had to live as a woman, and it is something that brings with it so many mixed feelings, but here I am full of peace and forward fighting day by day for my two daughters, providing love, protection and the best of examples as a single mom.
Greetings and blessings.
Thank you darling!! @leomarylm you're so kind and I feel the same. We're women and mothers and we're together raising our children for the best.
I to find walking a great time to think and find solice and even healing your daughter seems very mature to understand things
Thanks for joining the Wednesday Walk :)
She is... Even though sadness and disappointment came out, I found myself in a place with anger and frustration... I truly try to be the best mother for my kiddo, I hope she knows that.
I am sure she does, and it comes across in your post that you are :)
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