Book By Covers
I was scrolling through edited images in Lightroom on my phone and it got me wondering something that I hadn't checked earlier. I was looking for two images, but I didn't know what they were, just the approximate dates, but with the metadata intact, it was pretty easy to find.
The First is the entry photo. Let's call it
Image One
It is a photo of my wife sitting on the cork floor of our kitchen, preparing to paint the walls. Not too long after this, the floor had been taken up and it was down to bare wood, which later go painted white, as it still is today. The entire kitchen is redone now, but that wasn't completed until a year or so later.
Next is;
Image Two
This was taken six days later and is of my wife and daughter walking through a very empty shopping centre. The doors of the shops were still down, as it was early. I like the photo as they are both wearing a similar stripy dress and the stripes of the door gives a reflective balance.
Both of these images were taken on my old phone.
But, while these photos are nothing special, they are also something significant to me, because they were the last and the first. Not long after taking Image One I had a stroke. And Image Two was the first photo after coming out of hospital. There were some shots in between, but they were of random things inside the hospital. I don't have an image of myself in there.
Well, I have an MRI of my brain, but that doesn't really count.
It is interesting to me because between these two shots, everything in my life changed. It is perhaps hard to really explain for anyone to fully understand, but while I was still walking and talking, who I was at the time of the first shot and who I was at the time of the second, was quite different. I thought differently, felt differently, acted differently, and the way I experienced the world had completely shifted.
Yet, I looked much the same.
If there is ever evidence that we shouldn't judge people on their looks, this might be it. For the people who knew me the best, who were closest to me at the time of image one, had very little idea who I was at the time of image two. Yet, they believed they knew, because they "used to know me" and that was less than a week earlier. They applied their past experiences of me to create their expectations and assumptions about who I am, but the conditions had changed.
The conditions of me.
Brain injury is a difficult one for everyone involved to deal with, because there is so much ambiguity and nothing is directly seen, it can only be inferred from behaviour. If I had had a broken leg in a cast, it is pretty obvious that no one would expect me to run. But with a brain injury where I look the same as I did the day earlier, the expectation is that if you could do it yesterday, you can do it today.
And then there is the "recovery" aspect where people have a poor understanding of the way brain plasticity works, where they assume that because they heard a story of a person having half their brain destroyed in an accident and who was able to walk and talk again, that other parts of the brain can just take over all of the time. While it is true in some instances, it isn't the case in many, and there are some things that will just not come back. Yet, people who don't understand make it seem like a person who doesn't fully recover just didn't try hard enough to rehab.
It is like having an arm cut off and blaming the person for not being able to grow it back.
But I get it, because most people at best do a bit of a google search, watch a video or two on YouTube, and then deem themselves experts on the matter. Most people don't even do that much research, and deem themselves experts.
I am no expert.
But I am pretty good at reflecting on my experience and observations, which kind of gave me somewhat of an advantage over many stroke sufferers, because I was already interested in the way the brain worked, and interested in how to improve cognitive function. And I still failed to make a significant impact on my recovery. But, perhaps it would have been far worse had I just sat down on the couch and watched TV, like many people have done in the past.
Through all of this, between picture one and two, I still wrote on Hive daily.
That is not a brag of any kind, but I think that taking the time to put together something despite the challenges I was facing personally, helped me stay somewhat attached to reality, even whilst I felt detached from my own body. It probably helped me process what was going on, my thoughts and feelings and maybe gave me something to focus on other than the stream of news telling me that my life experience had change for the worse, forever.
The images aren't great.
But the quality of an image comes down to the meaning of the image to the viewer. And while these might not mean much to you, upon reflection, they mean something to me. My life was split in half between these two shots, where even though nothing much seemed to change in the environment, everything changed in me.
The cover stayed the same, the theme of the book shifted.
Taraz
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It is true that the pictures are simple where your beloved wife is busy in the kitchen and in the other picture your daughter and wife are wearing the same color dress. But sometimes simple pictures seem very special to us especially to our loved ones. Moreover, since the two pictures are before and after you were sick, I understand that it is definitely important and before and after the stroke. Because I think the situation after the stroke seems more important to you because stroke does not bring equal opportunities for everyone. Anyway, I hope you will reduce the pressure on your brain in the coming days and live a healthy life and wish you good times for your family always.
Every stroke is different. Mine was a "mild" stroke, but the cognitive function I lost was key to the way I approached life. Changes everything.
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How great to see something that appears so normal can hold such deep meaning, particularly when it represents a crucial point in our life.
There is a piece of dead brain about 2cm by 1 cm in diameter. Changes everything.
What you have done after the stroke is pretty amazing, you kept writing on Hive daily. That is hard to do even for those of us who never had a stroke.
Nice pictures, I like that you changed them into black and white. Did you find it harder to take pictures after the stroke or it had no impact on your photographic vision?
Much harder. I can no longer imagine the image before I take it, if that makes sense. I have some rough idea of what I want, but it is far harder to achieve now. The automation in my imagination is gone, so everything has to be processed in my head manually, which has massive effects on the way I process and experience the world. It is really energy intensive, plus my motivation dropped off a cliff, so you can imagine when you have no motivation and the task is difficult, it makes it very hard to get it done.
It does make sense, I suspected that could be the case as I know that it takes quite a bit to envision the image which makes it a lot easier to take good pictures. And yes, when something becomes energy intensive you tend to do it less and enjoy it less.
It is interesting that you have these photos, like bookends or something, to mark your before and after. For me, my brain challenges have no markers like that to hang onto really. Do you find that having those photos makes it easier to hold onto the old you? To remember who you once were? Or are you like me and feel that was a completely different person? A different life maybe?
Before the stroke, I remembered places through photographs, but not just the image. Before I would take a photo I would take in the surroundings and experience and then decide to take an image. When I see the image later, I am able to recall the mental process to take the photo, so it meant having the experience of the moment too. Not sure if that is explained well. Now though, I think it is more like most people use photos, where it is a snapshot of the place, not the experience, as I experience everything differently. It is more flat now, less variation in my emotional or mental state.
As far as remembering who I was, it is strange because that person lives inside still, but has been cut off from his abilities. I explain it like the feeling of remembering doing a somersault as a child, where the body still feels like it can do it - and then actually trying to do it as an adult. My head still thinks it can do things it actually can't. Or feeling young - and then looking in the mirror and seeing your father ;)
It is a bit like being in a prison, with windows that look out to the previous life of freedom.
Thank you for sharing that. Thats pretty deep and makes me feel for you for sure. Especially the part about being in prison with windows and seeing the previous life of freedom.
My challenge is not near like yours. But I do find myself loooking back and thinking that was a different person. Even my wife and kids say my demeanor has changed. And it has, and it wasn't intentional, but it was for the good. I used to be very high strung. Now I am very low key. But I used to be very energetic, now I am a slugo. My brain used to go 100 mph, now it is like it is working thorugh mud. Its like I was a pod person, and replaced the old version of me.
I have to admit I can not imagine by any means how you felt back then and how you feel today. But you described something I am experiencing with my parents at present time. Mom, 87, got out of surgery a few weeks ago, she broke her leg and due to the surgery anesthesia her alzheimer's condition got really worse. We, our three brothers and father visit her every day at the recovery hospital she is staying for the moment, we are by her side all the hours visitors can be around and you can see day by day her condition is getting worse, losing memory, not finding the words to describe what she is intending to tell you and feeling sad several times while you are there with her. The doctors say she will not be able to walk again due to her mental condition, she needs assistance for almost everything while she could do just about everything before surgery. All my brothers realize of the situation, but my dad acts as she just needs to exercise to reinforce her leg and will be able to walk again and come back home.
The situation is not easy, mom will have to leave this recovery hospital in 15 days and we have to decide if taking her to a nursing home or to the family house with my father which is what she keeps asking for and what my dad also wants expecting everything will come back to "normality".
We will see how everything evolves, but at this time, all we can do is try to comfort both, mom and dad and be by their side as much as we can which is several hours a day.
PS. Both photos look great but I really love the second one of both of your girls wearing a similar dress.
That is a really hard situation and I feel for you. It is impossible to know what is right to do, or what is best for those involved given the complications, plus the sense of dignity people deserve. It is obviously easier to go into nursing care, but what happens to quality of life for both mother and father? Is it better to have them together and experience those last times together? Is your father able to care for her enough, or will it be a burden that is too much for him, especially emotionally?
Whatever you choose, I am sure you and your family will make the right decision for all considered. Sometimes I think that unless we can prolong mental acuity, we shouldn't be putting too much effort into prolonging life. I don't mean that in a cruel way, but from my own perspective. The worst thing that could have happened with the stroke is that people would be forced to look after me. Death is preferable to that for me.
Oh, that first image in the kitchen, is also the place where I had the stroke. Nice.
It's only those engaged in close interaction with you that could have known you weren't the same person, even without knowing you had a stroke, they could have inferred it from your behaviors.
That's one of the reasons we shouldn't make quick conclusions about people. That's also the very reason I'd be hesitant to reconnect with an old friend, because I'm not sure what negative changes they'd undergone. A lesson: You can't judge a person or a thing by looking just on the surface, you've got to look deep.
But if we understand that people change, that connection becomes an experience of discovery, rather than one of assumption. Maybe it is better to connect and accept that people change, for better and worse. At least then we aren't holding images about people in our heads that are no longer relevant.
I guess the best way to see a man who has really disciplined himself to be consistent at whatever endeavour is when he is faced with adversity.
It is easier said than done. Having a stroke is not something anyone will want to have but I must say you really did well sir.
Some people will sit down and cry over their predicament wishing that life will just end already. Not as though I'm judging because I don't even know how far my strength can carry me at such a time.
It's the realisation that our lives can change a whole lot within split seconds, therefore for the moments we have now, we just have to live our lives to be best we can. And cherish every moment.
That comes later. The first few weeks I thought I might be okay after all. Not quite to be.
I wish more people realised what this means. Most take it as a sign to do what they want. I took it as a clear direction to do what I must.
These images reflect on a great message it holds, I can see its a"before and after" shot of images, the significant impact stroke do have to the brain is worrisome to be honest, I hope that pressure is reduced and rather turned to positive impactful result.
But I am pretty good at reflecting on my experience and observations, which kind of gave me somewhat of an advantage over many stroke sufferers, because I was already interested in the way the brain worked, and interested in how to improve cognitive function.
Definitely reflecting on every bit of situation past and present gives just a upper hand than the easy negativity conclusions which doesn't detect the end result, but base on fear and confusion of missing out the elimination of that advantage is done. The brain is a sensitive organ that react immediately to what it is fed with base on the cognitive processing system. So don't leave the brain function less or ideal. Indeed we ain't no expert but we flow on Progression. @tarazkp
I don't think the experts really have an idea of how brain plasticity works either. It's all a lot of guessing and a huge mystery to them.