Until Death Do We?
Fifty percent of marriages fail.
Over the years I have often heard that relationships are meant to be 50-50, where participants are meant to out in equal amounts of effort. Of course in practice, life runs in various phases, so sometimes one will put in more effort when the other can't and vice versa - but on average, it should balance. It should be fair.
The logic seems sound.
But it isn't.
I have often tried in relationships to find this balance, but it has always escaped me, and it was only relatively recently that I realised why it has been so difficult. Because yes, while there are times that we can't perform at our best and we need help, what is required to reach "fairness" is a near constant monitoring of the score. This means that a score needs to be kept, which requires a scoring system. But the problem with a scoring system for relationships is, that not only are different actions incomparable, each person in the relationship applies a different value weighting to the same action. One action might be important to one, and irrelevant to the other.
What's the score?
For a long time I have talked about how relationships have become very transactional, whether it is between friends, family, or lovers. People seem to only put in when they assume they are going to get something out. A return on their investment. While this might work for business, the problem with this approach in interpersonal relationships is that there is no token of trade, there is no black and white contract, and there is very little visibility into what participants actually value. Transactions happen, but the trade can leave one or both parties dissatisfied, disappointed, feeling used, taken advantage of, unappreciated, and an overall feeling of unfairness.
And this can lead to resentment.
It is no wonder so many relationships fail when human nature tends to take the approach that a person doing the same job as another, believes that they are doing more than the other. If the other person is earning more, than it is very unfair, right? Now, reality has nothing to do with the assessment of who is doing more, it is just a perception.
Who does the most housework in your home?
Who does the better housework?
Me on both of those.
And when we are constantly trying to keep some kind of mental score about who has done what, when and how often, we are going to be observing and evaluating, not actually doing. Or we are doing in the hope of scoring points, like putting "relationship capital" in the bank for some future return. And the other person is doing the same. But, that human nature aspect of belief we are better than we actually are, means that we can overvalue our actions, and undervalue theirs.
But something I came across in a book recently was that the problem with 50-50 relationships is that the best you can hope for over time, is fifty percent. Sure, each person is going to have their strengths and weaknesses, but they are only going to put in when they believe they will get something of value out. That means that if one puts in 30 percent, the other will soon adjust down.
Fair is fair.
This resonated with me in many ways because while I "believe" that we should each put in 100% for a total of 200% - be much stronger together - I am also often guilty of keeping score, and adjusting my behaviour based on the behaviour of my partners - now my wife. This can lead to me doubling down, even when I know I am wrong, and knowing that all I want to do is hold her and say sorry.
But that would unbalance the score.
I was reading a bit of an article the other day saying that the number one predictor as to whether a marriage will last or not, is whether the couple are friends. Ideally, they should be best friends. And I think the benefit of best friends is that they don't always agree, and are often each other's biggest critics, because they want the best for the other, but don't want anything from the other. It can lead to conflict, but that conflict is in service to growth, improvement, and comes from a place of love.
That is the first time I have used "love" in this article.
It is a word too often thrown around these days. But it is a word that should be discussed. Because love has to be unconditional. And what that means is that there is no score possible. You act with love, or you don't.
There is no 50-50 love.
Loving to get love in return is a business strategy. As is withholding love to get your way. But, should the most important relationships in our lives be business transactions? Investments made with an expected ROI?
Or should we love at a hundred percent, and expect nothing in return?
I am not saying that we won't get nothing in return, but if we truly love, then we are going to fully commit to being ourselves through that love too. If it is accepted, fine. If it is reciprocated, fine. If it goes unreturned, fine. If it is rejected, fine.
A lot of our lives has been monetized in some way, which means a lot of our lives are driven by value metrics, whether we like it or not. Pretty much all of our activity on the internet is tokenized. All of our work is evaluated with KPIs. All of our actions are logged, sorted, and sold in some way. And all of this tracking and data has conditioned us to care about the numbers. To keep score.
Love is free to give. And there is no transaction.
There are no numbers. But there are potential costs to our experience when we expect some kind of reciprocation with what we give, especially if we feel that what we got returned was not an even trade. It was unfair. But the problem is, "What does even, even mean?"
Let's say you are standing at the counter at the shops and you are short five dollars. You have plenty of money in the bank, but you don't have your wallet on you and nothing more in your pockets. The man behind you in the line taps you on the shoulder and says, hey, here is the five dollars you need. You refuse, but they insist and say, it is okay, I am happy to help. You thank them profusely, pay the cashier, and walk out feeling good about the world and the kindness of strangers.
What if you later found out the five was all the money he had?
While his kindness saved you some further embarrassment at the shops so you didn't have to put items back, it cost him whatever he was going to spend that five on. And while that five was irrelevant in your grand scheme of life, it might have been significant for him in that moment, yet he still chose to give what he could.
Transactional relationships are a bit like that. Where we are keeping score of the "acts of love" comparing them against our own acts of love. But the evaluation of the importance and the weighting is coming from our perspective, where we are considering if we have received enough for the effort we have put in, in the way we expect and want to be loved.
But what if that is all the love they can give?
I think if we want to keep a clear "love conscience", the safest way is to love fully. At one hundred percent, all of the time. This means that we love the best we can, regardless of what we have received, or will receive. We don't need to compare our love to that of others, because they are incomparable, in the same way that something and nothing are incomparable. After all,
What is "nothing"?
We can answer what it isn't.
Everything else.
So, what is love? Is it an act? is it a present? Is it a thing that can be traded?
What are we giving when we love?
If we don't know what we are giving, how can we attach a value to what we get back?
There is love. There is not love. There is no 50-50.
Taraz
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Basically, I sum up your post in that penultimate sentence.
Love is a deep bond and a decision to care for the other. We expect to receive support, respect and complicity, and in turn, to give the same with loyalty and commitment.
We value a relationship by trust, communication and the construction of a common project that makes us grow. We measure it by the well-being and peace it brings to our lives, in a healthy balance between giving and receiving.
Have you ever thought about "trust" in a relationship? In a business relationship it makes sense. But in a love relationship, does it? After all, if love is unconditional, trust has no place.
And let's see...
But it is trust that makes it possible to respect these limits. Without it, this ‘unconditional’ love becomes unsustainable and even dangerous because it ignores one's own well-being. One vision is realistic, the other a risky fantasy.
I really think the Greeks had it right when they came up with the four different words all to describe love. It showed a lot of foresight and reverence for such a strong emotion.
The Greeks defined the different ‘degrees’ of love: Eros, Philia, Storge and Agape. According to them, Jesus of Nazareth is the only one who has reached the Agape degree.
It is easy to make mythology perfect. :)
Is love an emotion though? Perhaps it is not. Maybe it is like courage - a way of being.
But this courage needs a foundation. And what is it? ⇋ trust. A deliberate and courageous love is built by “choosing to trust”, not by discarding it. I don't know, I feel there is an obvious contradiction.
I think it is a lot of things in a lot of different situations. Even a verb at times.
Relationships are work... and if you're not willing to put in the work then the relationship can't last.
I think for me, I'll question myself to see if I'm doing enough work. Have I shown enough affection so that the other person is reassured that the relationship is important to me? Have I done enough housework so my partner has an easy time and I'm not adding to their stress? Have I replied to messages, organized things, etc?
I don't worry too much about what people have done for me. I don't even know why, I just don't think about it.
Sometimes I think 'love' is a bit of a cop out, especially if someone says something like "sure they're awful to me sometimes, but I love them" - I always think that the person saying that doesn't value themselves enough to end a harmful relationship.
I think you're absolutely right that the are different levels of effort for different times, sometimes life is a lot and we need to support or depend on our partners more than usual.
What is enough? Is it enough to make them happy, or is it enough to reach your standards? Is enough 80% of your love? What happens if the enough they need is 120% of what you have to give?
Does that make sense?
For sure. Loving fully doesn't mean putting up with anything. One has to know their own limits and express them to the partner too.
If we aren't willing to do all we can for the most important person in our life, what are we doing with this life?
Honestly, I think enough is trying to make sure their lives are better for having me in them. Am I doing enough, am I contributing in a way that makes their lives easier or better or more fun or nicer? My life is generally fairly under control so I have extra capacity to put effort into others...
... that said, I have had friendships where the other person needed way more from me than I was able to give, and they've either blown up or fizzled, which is fine, friendships evolve.
I have had girlfriends that wanted way more from me than I was willing to give, and I think part of the whole dating process is figuring out how independent or self-reliant you both want to be... it's part of the whole search for compatibility.
I think when partners act like best friends, cheering each other on without keeping tabs, they build a supportive space where both can flourish and their marriage would be long, perhaps lifetime :)
Yes. And if one takes too much advantage and changes the terms of the "contract" - the other is able to decide to change the relationship, still from a place of love. I have never understood how people who said they love each other at one point, can have a bitter divorce.
The marriages that fail to last for a long time happens to be that there is no genuine love attached to it from my perspective. Before you could settle down with someone for marriage happens to be that you've confide in the person and admit you two are good to go for a lifetime relationship but then this doesn't work out.
Relationship this days is surrounded by finance where most partners are after the financial aspect and when this finance fail to showcase the relationship begins to fade away. True love is surrounded by money now and rare to find which is the era we find ourselves now.
Yes. It is about the material things the relationship provides, not about the opportunity to be loving.
This photo is right on point for this post. Life is short and marriage is often even shorter. I have never made claims to my wife about money or that she works little (even though she works for three:)) We must understand our partner and not make claims to him daily.
Yeah it is the constant claims and "reclamations" that people place on relationships that tear them apart.
Unfortunately, many do this unconsciously, on emotions and the conflict can go far. But it is not the amount of money a partner has that is important, but the partner himself and mutual understanding in difficult situations.
@themarkymark, @buildawhale & Co,
How can you continue to downvote the truth, LOL? It’s almost comical how blatantly you attempt to suppress what cannot be hidden. The blockchain records everything—every action, every transaction, every move you make. Yet still, you persist in this futile game of trying to silence what is undeniable.
@themarkymark, @buildawhale, and Co: While our opinions may differ, on-chain transparency reveals repeated patterns of concern. Coordinated downvotes without explanation, 'farming' schemes (e.g., #buildawhalefarm), and adversarial engagement harm Hive’s community-driven ethos.
Key Issues to Address:
A Path Forward:
The Bilpcoin team remains committed to exposing truth and advocating for solutions. Let’s work toward healing, not division.
Note: All claims are based on publicly verifiable blockchain data. Constructive dialogue is encouraged.
#HiveTransparency #CommunityFirst #BilpcoinSupport"
@themarkymark & Co, the choice is yours. Stop the bad downvotes. Turn off the BuildaWhale scam farm. Cease playing with people’s livelihoods. Let Hive thrive as it was meant to—as a beacon of hope, creativity, and collaboration.
Or step aside and let those who truly care take the reins.
Because the truth won’t disappear. No amount of lies can change it.
It’s over.
The Bilpcoin team brings these truths not out of malice but necessity. We have no need to fabricate lies or cloak our intentions CALL US WHAT YOU LIKE —for the facts speak loudly enough on their own. What we present here is not conjecture but reality, laid bare for anyone willing to see.
@themarkymark & Co we urge you once more: STOP. Stop hiding behind tactics that harm others. Stop clinging to practices that erode trust within the Hive community. Let the truth stand—not because we proclaim it, but because it exists independent of any one person’s approval or disdain.
TURN OFF THE BUILDAWHALE SCAM FARM
Key Issues That Demand Immediate Attention:
The problems are glaring, undeniable, and corrosive to the Hive ecosystem. They must be addressed without delay:
These practices harm not just individual users—they undermine the very foundation of Hive, eroding trust and poisoning the community. Such actions are unethical and outright destructive.
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The blockchain data speaks for itself. We are not fabricating these claims; we are simply presenting what is already visible for all to see. As we’ve repeatedly urged @themarkymark & Co—the solution is simple: STOP.
SO PLEASE STOP. It’s time to do what’s right for Hive and its community. Why cling to practices that harm others? Power down, step away, and let Hive thrive as it was meant to. You bring nothing positive to this ecosystem.
THOSE WHO ARE WATCHING—THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.
PLEASE STOP.
We’ve shown that we’re here to stay and have exposed the truth. So why has nothing been done? Do @themarkymark and @blocktrades own the Hive Blockchain? Is that why no action is being taken?
https://peakd.com/hive-122609/@bilpcoinbpc/themarkymark-and-co-you-seem-to-enjoy-spreading-lies-but-here-s-the-truth-we-have-no-reason-to-lie
https://peakd.com/hive-167922/@bilpcoinbpc/themarkymark-and-co-you-claim-we-re-the-number-one-spammers-on-hive-but-all-we-do-is-share-the-truth-lol
https://peakd.com/hive-133987/@bpcvoter3/isn-t-it-funny-how-themarkymark-and-co-are-suddenly-talking-about-ke-levels-on-hive-well-look-what-we-found-some-of-the-accounts
https://peakd.com/hive-178265/@bpcvoter1/themarkymark-and-co-the-same-old-tactics-are-at-play-calling-people-names-and-telling-others-to-avoid-them-lol-keep-digging-and
https://peakd.com/hive-122609/@bpcvoter2/hive-community-are-we-really-going-to-allow-a-small-group-of-individuals-to-make-hive-look-like-a-joke-we-ve-done-the-work-we-ve
https://peakd.com/hive-196233/@bpcvoter1/you-call-it-sound-advice-coming-from-themarkymark
https://hive.blog/hive-126152/@bpcvoter3/in-this-one-wild-and-precious-life-we-get-what-better-mission-is-there-than-to-lift-each-other-up
www.bilpcoin.com #bilpcoin we must stop the #buildawhalescam #buildawhalefarm #themarkymarkscam #themarkymarkfarm on #hive #thedarksideofhive #hiveblog #peakd #hiveblockchain
The divorce rate is a little cooked. Those who suck at marriage are represented over and over. Those who are great only get included once each.
I always shudder when I hear a couple claim that they negotiate everything.
Negotiating is how we establish an exchange rate. If you have chickens to trade and I have oranges, negotiating the rate requires I talk down the quality of your chickens, and talk up the freshness and sweetness of my oranges; while you do the opposite.
That hardly sounds like a solid basis for a satisfying relationship.
The only workaround I've found is if I just give you 100% of my oranges, and you give me 100% of your chickens; then I can be openly appreciative of their lovely plumage and delicious eggs without hurting my supply.
That'll cost you all of your chickens though. Hope you like oranges.
But it is also that those who stay together, aren't necessarily doing well. Time served doesn't equate to a good relationship.
Or, you can give the best of your oranges and I can give my best chickens.
yea.. i used to believe that love was enough.. and that, as long as the want of the loved one was present.. then that was enough..
well, i guess not. at least not if that want is one-sided. I gave up everything (in terms of assets), but life goes on. I am eager to start this, my second half of my life! 👊😉😎🤙
Assets are just that. Quite often, it seems that people give these kinds of things in return for something too, not out of love.
right on. After some thought.. I really dont mind since I know my x wife WILL use those funds to make life better for my 2 kids. :)
A powerful reflection, true love isn’t a transaction it’s not about keeping score or balancing effort like a business deal, When we love fully and freely, without expecting an equal return, we allow space for deeper connection, and real growth. There’s no such thing as 50-50 love it’s either whole or it isn’t.
Maybe the problem is that most people aren't "whole" themselves and have so many limitations. They can't love fully, because they are tied down by their own conditioning.
I am on my second marriage. I first got married when I was 19, which was too young. Now thirty years later my thought on this is that you are choosing someone you can:
So far second time around is working better with every year :)
Shouldn't trust just be implied in any relationship? Or should there be clear guidelines on what it means from the start?
Trust is implied, but it should also be earned
It must be great after thirty years! :D
Not there yet :) we have been together a lot less than that
Relationship is all about commitment.The two people coming together must be willing to sacrifice somethings in other to make their relationship work.
For a relationship to be healthy and enjoyable both parties must work for it.