Speaking To Heal, Not To Hurt: Mastering The Art Of Communicating Constructively

The words we speak to someone can either impact on them positively or negatively. In fact, they can be tools to either heal them or hurt them. There is no word that you speak to someone that will leave them neutral - it will have an effect on them. In a conflict for example, there is how you will speak and the anger would be turned and the conflict will be resolved. However, there is a manner in which you will speak and it will be like "pouring fuel inside a burning fire." This is why you have to learn the art of communicating constructively, so that you will heal with your words and not harm people with them.

A friend of mine who recently had a broken relationship which was about to lead to marriage was telling me how it was just some words she spoke out in anger when she had a little argument with her ex that led to the breakup. During the argument, she made a statement to the guy, she said "I am just keeping quiet first till after marriage, then you will see my real colour." She may have said it out of anger or she may not have even meant it, but it sent the wrong signal to the guy. The guy responded, "so you have been having evil plans for me waiting till after the wedding? Well it will not happen." Just like that, a relationship of over 6 months scattered simply because of careless talk. This is part of the reasons I tell people that one of the wrongest times to talk is out of anger, because your words might become regrettable when the anger goes away.

You may be surprised to know that a lot of conflicts that escalate is not necessarily because of the issue at hand but simply because of how the person or people involved have communicated about them. It is true that when anger or any other emotions run high, there will be a tendency to make some unworthy statements. But you also have to understand that a lot of the words that people say are not neutral, neither are they indelible. Once they are said, they become like arrows that have already been fired which may not be able to recall before they hit their target. This is why, when you use words, first apply your brain to them. That is, think first.

Speaking is not just about putting words together, but there are more things to them. Constructive communication can go a long way to establish many good things including good interpersonal relationships. However, there are things to know about constructive communication. Firstly, you have to know that it begins with actively listening. A lot of people just listen to reply or to argue, but not really to understand what is being said. If you will be able to listen critically, attentively and actively, you will understand better what is said, and it will enable you to communicate better and constructively. When listening, do not only pay attention to what is said, but how it is said. That is, listening beyond the words and also see the emotions in them.

Another thing to know about constructive communication is to pay attention to other non-verbal qualifiers. For example, the way the words are used, the tone, the emotions surrounding the words, the expressions, the body language, etc, should be taken into consideration. There is a way you will say something, even the very harmless words with some good contexts, but with a wrong tone and it will still appear hurtful. On the other hand, there is also how you will say something that should be harmful but in a very good and soft tone and it will be taken lightly. This goes to prove that in communication, context of the words is not everything, but there is a need to also consider other non-verbal qualifiers.

The last point to consider as it relates to constructive communication is timing. There are certain words that have particular time to be said, and using them outside their good timing may produce negative results. It may not be that the words themselves are wrong or bad, rather it might be that you did not observe proper timing. Imagine in your office for example, the day that your boss is angry with you for coming late or for underperforming on a task, is the day you decide to ask him for a salary raise, do you think he will oblige? It is not that you asked the wrong thing, but the wrong timing might affect the potential result. So as you know what to speak and how to speak, also try to know when to speak.

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