Well guess I just like a lot of different things. it's not always pretty in conventional terms.

Meanwhile I'm hoping I can get through to the other side of the heatwave. It's hard enough for me these days. I hope you all are well and healthy in body and mind. I'm not well in my head and I never have been.

I actually thought when the holiday weekend was over and the kids all back in school I could finally breathe and have some space. Then boom, scorching heat. There's no end to it in the forecast. Hot at night also. How pathetic am I wishing I had a home with AC. It would be so much easier. Instead I live in an area where renters rarely have AC. It's torture. Poverty is expensive and brutal. I think of my friends who did well. I wish I was them in many ways. My close friends are all gone. Died or moved far away. I wish I could move back to Canada where I was born or the coast north of here where it's cooler and less crowded. Everything I used to do and love I either can't do anymore or can't afford it. I can't play a guitar in this place I'm at. No tv. Just a chair and a tiny table with no couch. I'm lucky I'm not in the street but it's not really a life worth living.

Imagine central air conditioning? Being able to sleep. Quiet.

I know I'm just a pathetic complainer. Not really the sort of person you want around or want to read about. The harder I try to change the worse the backlash is. Money? Not having enough is the value of me? I guess I should perform saintly service and sacrifice for others to have worth and earn a life on earth? Yeah that's it I guess. Mental illness? It sucks.