Meanwhile as our weather goes goes crazy in So Cal
(Edited)
I'm hiding under trees and looking for any cool place I can find. Thank you for trees
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I'm hiding under trees and looking for any cool place I can find. Thank you for trees
When will it turn a little cooler for you?
Today is much cooler. It was 73 down the coast from me and a LOT cooler here at my place than the past week. 😀
Oh gosh. That would class as a heatwave over here. I honestly don't think the Brits could cope with hot weather all year round.
My grandfather was born in London in 1899. All my relatives are from England, Scotland and maybe Ireland too. I liked it here growing up but now all I do is worry about heat and sunburn. Lately I'm not feeling well and I'm afraid I'm going to have a stoke or heart attack or maybe it's something else. As usual I feel like I shouldn't write about these things let alone think them. This feeling that nothing works. Nothing better is possible for me. The minutes are eternally long but my entire life went by in a second. Everything I think about was 30 or 40 years ago. The girls I fell in love with have all been married for 30 or 40 years to someone else. I'm just ridiculous.
You definitely should write about it. What you have to say is important and interesting. Sometimes, when you open up, people might either engage with you or it could even help them. Go for it!
I was afraid to read your reply and finally just now read it. As usual you are so calm and good with me.
Lol that sounds a little funny.
Writing gets me so caught up in crazy and the pain of the past and the terror of the future. I do see how it might be a way through the stuff if I was somehow able to not get totally lost on the way. I catch myself desperately wanting to escape my family and never have to hear any trauma drama disaster stuff from my sister, her kids, their father, my mother. Fuck. it doesn't seem to affect my mom at all. she's super cheerful most of the time. It makes me feel awful hearing it over and over and over. it starts first ting the morning with my sister calling and then a bunch more phone calls. same stories over and over. I plug my ears. My mom has tons of friends and they all talk about health problems endlessly. Then the next call and the stories get repeated and the next and the next. I think I should be able to handle after all this time but it just has gotten worse. I feel hopeless hearing it. I blast music in my little headphone things but I get so tired of that. Right now it's 2am and she's not feeling well. She's also making a huge racket in the kitchen and I'm freaking out that she's waking up the other tenants. I just want out of here so much. But I don't have the means to do it and I have to take care of her as well. I'm also afraid of being forced to move out. I just want something peaceful...
Oh, don't be afraid. I come in peace!
Caring for parents is difficult. I was lucky that I had a lovely mum, but it was still tiring, both physically and emotionally. My dad, who was a very complex man died suddenly out of the blue at 66 years of age. I'm approaching that age now ... eek!
I can only imagine how difficult it is to be constantly giving your sister support. It's not easy being the rock for someone else, especially when you're feeling overwhelmed yourself. It sounds like you may be experiencing something called listening fatigue, where you feel drained from constantly being there for others. Setting boundaries with people can be difficult, but it's good to give yourself a break. I don’t know how you feel in maybe trying to take breaks from answering your sister's calls, occasionally. One of my friend's once said that if you keep allowing people to do what they're doing, they will carry on doing it. Easy for me to say, though, but small changes can maybe make a difference.
Remember that it's okay to put yourself first and take care of your own needs. You deserve some time to relax.
You would do well in some of the writing communities. People might be in the same situation and they could offer words of support etc.
Look at us doing all this writing! I'm going off now to lie down. I'm knackered. 😝
Hi, Thanks!
My sister actually calls my mom not me. It's just that it's been going on ever since she had kids 30 years ago. She made a bad choice with their father and it's been awful ever since. I sometimes dream about what it would be like if she had met a guy who took care of her and their kids if they any. I see other friends and while it's never perfect or easy for anyone. I wish it was different for her and the rest of us. Oh well. She's a smart hard working talented person but 3 kids and no money from their dad made things super difficult. I feel like I have run out of time.
I don't want to be afraid anymore. I don't want to have non stop anxiety and worry.
I came back to edit a bit here. My mother is sick right now. And I'm back into worry and there's nothing I can really do. I'm stuck here in this tiny room in the corner with a chair and a desktop. I go out walk and around but nothing really stops the thoughts in my head. I'm responsible for my mess. Somehow if I could have choose better and worked at it harder. Maybe I could have had my own family and a home. I might have been able to contribute financially to my mom and sister but not have to be living with my mom. It's my fault I'm stuck here. Some how I want/need something to look forward to. Something fun. I've been thinking that for the past 9 years...
Don't put yourself down. You sound like a good son and brother. Even if you had chosen a different path, it might not have been all sweetness and light. Who knows.
I hope your mum is ok. It is always a worry when they get to a certain age.
I've never thought of myself as a good person. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because of how fucked up my parents relationship was when I was growing up. I really don't know. I've never made my life about self sacrifice for others. As if that's the only thing worth doing. I'm really confused. Maybe I'm dirt poor because I would be terrible with money. I'm feeling sick too. My mother is worse. I'm not asking for a perfect life. I just don't want to be afraid constantly and in mental and physical pain anymore. I guess that's unreasonable. The night times are the hardest. I don't think I can survive being homeless in the street. I'm not tough like everyone I've ever known. I was happy somewhat when I visited art galleries and museums. Life seemed worth living. The crazy actually goes away when I'm talking about art, music, sculpture, literature, movies. It gets worse when I'm writing. Now I'm just blithering on. I can't possibly good when I hate all the shit I have to do to be good... I don't have a clue about anything.
Parents can definitely mess with your head. Certain people shouldn't be allowed to have children. It's not your fault that your parents had a messed up relationship. As a child, witnessing all your parents problems could have affected your mental health, which in turn can lead to issues like anxiety, depression, and low self-esteem. I'm sure there is a link to it.
Thank you
I guess I was thinking I "should" have a handle on it by now at 66 yrs old. Then I find repeatedly I don't. I'm fairly certain that in this country most people should have a good amount of distance from their families. Not to be mean or anything but just to keep the drama at a minimum. It might not even look or sound like drama but just being around some family is extremely stressful for a lot of people. Then there's the added thing from them and even friends of "what's the big deal?"
There's a saying that you can choose your friends, but not your family! Your feelings are very valid though.
My brother was smart and moved to Hawaii a long time ago. He knows he escaped but he really has no idea how bad it is. Then again it might all be no big deal for someone else. It's killing me but that's my fault
Wow, your shots are amazing, my friend, I like them.
Thanks! 😀
Such admirable cloud
😀
Thank you