The traumatic incident, darkness, and My craziness | A void in life

over 1 year ago

I collapsed, broke down, and mentally shattered completely. I was in dilemma about whether I should write about my mental health or not; I was confused. I couldn't write about other subjects, everything seems too much to me now. How did this happen? The collapse incident happened when I was at work. For a very long time I have been dealing with a lot of personal issues, few things I wrote but most of the things I kept inside me thinking I will be able to hold them. I have a past long history of depression and the treatment continued almost for 8 years when I was in my country Bangladesh. The history ran long, family issues, career, relationship frustration, failure, society, people, teenage issues everything was the cause of my depression and to recover from everything, it took me 8 years clinically. Later I moved to Ukraine and start fresh like a newborn baby.

This Ukraine war and refugee life brought all of my emotions back. It's like all of the flashbacks started coming in front of me. Why?? Why after all of these years, this started happening? I am not satisfied and that I figured out already. I am grateful but not satisfied. Minimum wage jobs always leave a huge amount of stress, not only with the salary but also dealing with people. But I thought I am strong enough to handle everything but I ignored one thing about me and that is inside I am breaking brick by brick.

I was dealing with a huge transition in life, my body was in survival mode and it was slowly adapting to everything. But I ignored everything and push myself hard to adjust to everything.

My younger sister was about to get married on 3rd February 2023 but for several reasons, it got canceled. My younger sister felt helpless and she started sharing every detail with me. Not only my family started pushing me for a decision but also my sister was looking forward to a solution. But nobody understood how this situation gonna affect me. I also didn't know that this incident is affecting me. I felt helpless thinking I left my sister alone and can't help her when she needs me the most. I took a lot of stress, more than I could even imagine.

I was entirely in deep shit and was unaware of what was coming in the upcoming days. I live in a shelter and every day more or less, shitty things happen here. People started feeling like a prisoner here because of the atmosphere. It is becoming toxic every day. Last week was extreme for me and after that, I completely collapsed.

I am not going to write in full detail but in short, I will try to explain the incident. Last week a refugee tried to commit suicide by cutting their throat and I was one of the witnesses there who saw everything. How, when everything happened I don't wanna share but all I can say is it was horrible to witness all of the blood and sliced throat. It was not normal even a normal person can't consume such a traumatic situation so easily. I thought I was okay and I moved on. I went to work and did my usual work. But the biggest shock was seeing that person again within 24 hours with all of the bandages and blood. The person lost his mind, fled from the hospital, and was walking in the shelter like a zombie with a pale face and a sliced throat.

I am the kind of person who can't consume the smell of human blood and incidents. That's why I never tried the medical profession. As I have said, my biggest mistake was not understanding my mental health. The symptoms started on Thursday, I was realizing something is changing inside me. My anger and emotions both were mixed and I was having flashbacks of everything. Childhood trauma, my mom's death, war, darkness, suicide everything was coming all at once in front of me and I felt like I need a dark room where I can sit and be alone. Without knowing what I was doing, I sit in the corner of my workplace and started crying. I couldn't tolerate people around me, I was feeling angry and I couldn't concentrate on anything. Everything was like a black, dark canvas and I couldn't notice anything except feeling like a failure, worthless and crazy.

I didn't care about my surrounding, workplace, or anything. I sat down and ignored everything. I picked up a fork and started poking myself to feel pain. I was having behavioral issues as well because I used a blade to cut my both hands to commit suicide when I was a teenager. I forgot about my dog, and my life at that moment, all I was thinking about was darkness and loneliness. I had sought psychiatric treatment after fleeing from the war but somehow I got a very bad response from a psychiatrist so I never asked for help. This time after seeing my condition, I told my supervisor that I need help.

Am I crazy or lost my mind? I don't know. Even I don't know after such kind of incident or behavior at work, whether the company will keep me or not but as a result, they put me out of the schedule for 1 week. I have ruined everything once again. Now I am taking help, seeing a psychiatrist, and hopefully will be better...

I know this post explains nothing except my misery. But all I can say is if you need help, ask for it otherwise it will be too late... I was holding everything inside, kept everything inside and never talked to anybody or shared anything. As a result, I collapsed at work...

Thanks for reading...

Love

Priyan...

^{I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...}

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