Monomad: Noise follows me everywhere

Much like our old pal in the first picture, I often have the look of lonesome confusion upon my face. A sense of "huh?" fills me as I roam public spaces in attempt to understand the world around me, but I just can't. Noise follows me everywhere. I find myself in spaces that feel as if there is a neverending contest to make the most noise possible, but this is a contest I was not told of. Nobody sent me an invitation to this party. Nor was it ever advertised to me. Car horns beep in succession as if it's the last noise they'll ever make. Music is boomed of all genres that make you want to grab the nearest stick and plunge them into your eardrums for that sweet, beautiful silence. I lay in bed in the evenings and hear even a rooster contributing to this contest. Noise follows me everywhere.

I'm generally a quiet person. I don't think I have a lot to say and sometimes that's a bad thing as I internalise things later on my own. I'm not one to have a lot to say about anything, I try to keep a low profile and just shrug off the things in life that just don't really hold importance in the greater scheme of things. It isn't always possible, however. I would say I'm an introvert, but I'm one that is happy to open up to the right people in the right environment. In a place like Armenia, I no longer feel like there are such places here. Maybe high up in the high rise apartments is where the rest are hiding away, in their rooms where much of the chaotic city life below unfolds. I wish I could join them. Yerevan in particular, especially with protests ongoing and the weather picking up, seems to harbour the loudest of things. But that's generally expected, particularly with intense development projects.

It's a little harder to pursue the usual route I had for living here: grab the camera, roam around Yerevan or some nearby place and observe and take photographs as I place one step in front of the other. The heat now is intense. My arm is peeling from burning it just from sitting in the car. I managed to get sunburn on the top of my head, somehow. I walk for a few minutes and I'm soaked. The smart people have hats and shades, umbrellas to shield them from the unyielding sun which seems to be screaming down its own form of noise. I don't really have the right summer clothes yet. I tried searching for some today in the nearby mall; I found nothing but the most obnoxious zoomer clothing imaginable. Would you purchase a cap that says "Winning Mood"? Things lately just seem, I don't know, comedic. I always have this manner of looking at the world with a more positive tone. To see the negatives and find ways to laugh at them. To look and find humour in everything even if it inconveniences me somehow. Though I do feel the stress building up lately. As if everything is slowly eating away at my comedic wall. I find my motivation has dwindled a little. More attempting to shield myself away from the world and staying inside. Though I have that urge, always, to get out and explore and experience. Almost a form of self-torture.

I sit and write this in a cafe now. I picked up a double cappuccino for 1900 dram. That's about $5. The protests went by a moment ago. Such insufferable noise. But the urge to down this coffee and join in to photograph it all was felt. I still feel it. And I'm sure once I'm done with it I'll run around in pursuit of them anyway. This is just how I function, I guess. I hate the chaos. I love the chaos. Does that noise follow me, or I follow it?

While roaming around I feel a bit of boredom sometimes. That the surroundings don't have enough to keep me entertained. I think of the time. The realisation that I don't have a traditional job. I think of all those walking by and not walking by, going to and from work and their structured lives. Do they enjoy the chaos? What is their chaos? I feel as if the chaos entices me, it's something to pursue, to distract. Pulling me out of my reality and into the realities of others. Their problems and lives that are going by before me. Almost pulling me out of mine, in a similar fashion to those who sit in the audience of a theatrical performance, or the cinema. You sit, turn off your brain and watch other people's moments take over. This is what I think it means to be a photographer. Barely even noticing yourself most of the time. And brief moments do pull you out of that and give you that epiphany. It doesn't happen to me often, but I think it might be a result of my patience seeming like it is being tested lately. Something finally affecting me and having me react. Something more than observational roaming. Is that a bad that thing though? Probably not. It's probably good to be pulled out of this and reminded of my own goals, problems, and little moments in life to care for.

I rarely stop thinking, and I think (haha) that people often assume I'm ignoring them or careless. I mentioned before that I internalise a lot of things, and that's part of it really.

Do you ever find that noise follows you everywhere? Have you considered what that means to you? I think it's good to suffer sometimes. I think a little bit of mental torment is needed to help us prioritise things and understand ourselves more. So, the noise that follows me everywhere: please fuck off. But, thank you for pulling me out of the trance I have been in for a while now. I should get to work and fix some things, I have been putting a few things off lately!