Regret Leaving

I went looking through my Whatsapp file history and accidentally stumbled upon a small treasure trove of shots from when I was traveling Europe a couple years ago. After I fucked up my phone (well actually, the sea fucked my phone, but I ain't gonna piss off Poseidon), I lost about three months' worth of photos from several countries. Naturally, I was upset, but figured the memories are still there.

They are.

Stumbling upon some of the photos I'd thought lost forever, the memories came rushing back to me, and with them, an intense longing.

Hey ho. Let's go.

You know it doesn't take much to get that going in me. I'm always sort of a one foot out the door person and I'm headed to my beautiful London in less than 24 hours, but those photos got me nostalgic for a longer trip. A trip without a set end, a wandering. Who knows. It may be in the cards for the fairly near future.

The amble down memory lane also got me thinking about the stuff I kept hearing and thinking before I left.

You can't do that alone! Aren't you scared?

In the words of one of my favorite musicians,

I will not take fear off the table.

But I think a more coherent answer to that reductive question is, everyone's scared. Every minute of our fucking life contains inside it some reason to be scared.

When's the last time I was afraid? Last night. Something crashed outside in the middle of the night, not sure what. Made the most terrible noise and woke me. Got my heart pounding. The night before, I'd dreamed earthquakes, and woke in the night thinking "shit, it's really happening".

Some car almost rode over me last week. War almost broke out, and never say never. There's endless reasons to be scared. Of course I'm scared. But we're not letting that stop us from living day to day, why should you let it stop you from leaving on an adventure?

As for the alone part, I've said before and will many more times. Chances are, if you think "you can't do that alone" in regards to travel, you think that about other things, too. Things that maybe you'd like to do, but are keeping away from because it's just not done. To do it alone. To do it as a woman. To do it in a certain place.

I say do it. If such is your internal dialogue, you have every reason, and moreover the duty to do it now. Alone.

What about all that money? The day will come when you regret spending it on something so superficial as travel.

Well, the day ain't come yet, and while I know 2 years is a short time, I'm also reasonable enough to acknowledge that even if I hadn't set out on my trip, I would've spent that money by now one way or another. So let's consider it spent, shall we?

I try, when planning trips, to be reasonable with my budget. I don't set out to break the bank, and that's fairly doable if you're not interested in luxurious or cutesy hotel rooms or don't mind low-cost airfare.

The pictures brought to mind the days of planning that trip. Struggling to stay within an affordable budget and fretting over "what if I regret spending all this money". Well, cheer up, past me, I don't. Looking through the pictures I took exploring the continent I didn't regret a dime. Not a red cent. The only regret to enter my thoughts this morning was not being still on the road and not knowing when such a trip will occur again.

Not for a second did I regret spending money, leaving, doing something I was told was crazy, or being "superficial" or "selfish" and choosing my dream of travel over other perhaps more practical investments. Because that's just the thing. In the end, I don't think you regret going. And even if you do, I think you'll regret not going more.

When I think about the places I've been, I'm flooded by nostalgia for the place and all this awe and joy at having got to do that.

When I think about the trips I missed for various reasons, I'm usually flooded by regret. If I try, I'll remember putting the money to better use or being present for something back home or whatever. That might be happy. But the gut reaction? Regret.

You always regret the things you don't do more.

Always. Ever. As long as there's breath in your body. Take the fucking ride. :)

Disclaimer: While this post is pinned in Zadar, the pictures are from various places in Croatia. The first two are from Split, the fourth from Krka National Park, while the fifth is from Zagreb. The others are from Zadar.