Dead Man

Youth is dead
Dark days ahead
I'm not the gentleman I expected to be.

What was my childhood
But a blink
On the brink of eternity
The doors I crossed
The baths I took
Cleansed only in flesh
But never to maturity
I stared at wrinkled hands
Imagining the old man
I would some day grow to be.

Now I have arrived
In this day in time
An empty mime
Complex yet only shallow
The trees of my memory hollow
Branches crashed down
I never gained the crown
Of gray
Or the gnarled hands
My young mind would say
The ticking sands
Of time would bring me.

Where is that fellow?
The one who said hello
In the mirror long ago
Through squinted eyes
Blurring in shadow
An illusion of future me
Imagined but not reality
He never came
Replaced by the tame
Balding silent man
Saying his goodbyes
To what he truly thought he'd see.

—————---------------------—————

I hate being in this funk. I'm exhausted. I don't sleep enough. I don't rest at all, much less recreate. It's just day after day after day of the same patterns. I wish I could say I have a goal to work towards or even something to look forward to, but no. I am stuck.

Fear is probably the biggest anchor dragging me into the depths. I don't know how to own my free self. I am free but I don't know if I fully grasp that freedom. What does it mean to be free when others have claim to you? I fear dropping the ball, because I have dropped so many already. I am not what I wanted to become. I don't know if it's even possible to be that person, Time can't be rewound to erase the consequences of choices.

I can only seek to salvage the debris of my life from complete annihilation.

Camera: Samsung Maxima G80 Zoom XL
Film: Arista Edu 400
Developed in Caffenol as always
—————--------------------—————

img_0.0010733370947769002.jpg

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12 comments
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Sometimes we lost the path and we lost in time. I like the way you describe the feelings and emotions. This poem is nostalgic and makes me think about meaning of life.

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It is so easy to grow old without realising it.... I like the verse that says "the trees of my memory hollow", I feel that way too. The photos deserve a separate mention. They are excellent. It's very brave to use caffenol these days!

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Thanks for the kind words. I'm older than I realize, yet I know so many people who tell me how young I really am. I feel like I have lived so much already!

I don't know how brave caffenol is, I'm just too cheap to buy the "real" stuff 😂. I haven't had any issues with it. The scanning is a different story entirely. Eight cats make lint free negatives impossible !

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Those words ... painting the inevitable.

Well done 👏🏾

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That first photo. Eerie. So good. Eerie and awesome.

I know what you mean about being stuck. People say one should embrace every feeling and life period you have or get or wind up but I don't know. Being stuck or depressed or being in any situation where you wouldn't like to be always seems so... never ending and lonely. And a waste of time. There's only you yourself who can do something about it but if the status quo is so that it literally binds you hands then there's not even the self help thinggy to save you. You just wait. Embrace my ass I say. :D Well, not literally but what I'm saying is that if I don't want to embrace a shitty feeling but have no strength to carry on then that's a major problem. But nevertheless, people say that and perhaps they are right and I'm wrong.

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"Sit with your feelings" is stupid imo. Feel your feelings is fine, you can't really help that. But sitting in them and letting them control you? Nope. Life is too short to wallow in negative feelings. Feel them, vent them (in a non-destructive way), and move on.

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Gooday Courageous Lion

From the book I Am by Jean Klein (pdf on request):

Is it true that when we look at our surroundings from silent awareness they find their natural state of harmony?

It is only through silent awareness that our physical and mental nature can change. This change is completely spontaneous. If we make an effort to change we do no more than shift our attention from one level, from one thing, to another. We remain in a vicious circle. This only transfers energy from one point to another. It still leaves us oscillating between suffering and pleasure, each leading inevitably back to the other. Only living stillness, stillness without someone trying to be still, is capable of undoing the conditioning our biological, emotional and psychological nature has undergone. There is no controller, no selector, no personality making choices. In choiceless living the situation is given the freedom to unfold. You do not grasp one aspect over another for there is nobody to grasp. When you understand something and live it without being stuck to the formulation, what you have understood dissolves in your openness. In this silence change takes place of its own accord, the problem is resolved and duality ends. You are left in your glory where no one has understood and nothing has been understood.

And, From the book The Presence Process by Michael Brown - which i highly recommend (pdf in request).

A joyful, healthy, and abundant life is pouring itself upon us all right now. However, when we “live in time,” the vessel we really are is upended. In this upside down state, we mistakenly spend our experience trying to get something instead of simply receiving that which is already and eternally given.

Present moment awareness isn’t a concept – it’s an experience. The fact that more and more of us are entering it now is a consequence of our accelerating evolution. For anyone willing to receive its blessings, its invitation is here, now, in this moment, this set of circumstances. It calls to us in a silent voice that says: “Stop. There’s nowhere to go and nothing to do. There’s simply everything to be.” This is the invitation, the journey, and the gift that The Presence Process makes possible.

We are now at a place to embrace a more complete understanding of present moment awareness as a state of being in which we effortlessly integrate the authentic Presence we are with each given moment we are in, so that we are able to respond consciously to each experience. Our response is one of gratitude, whose flow washes us of illusions.

Entering such a state may sound challenging and complicated when we are so used to living in time. However, because present moment awareness is our birthright, to live this way is natural for us and hence effortless. It’s the kingdom of awareness through whose gates the prodigal children, now awakened, return.


Sat Nam
Atma

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