Trust and Lonely, Ebb and Flow

The feelings. Trapped inside a glass jar like too many bees. They want out. They need out! Outside is right there. They can see it. But they can't get to it.

Hunger. Sorrow. Despair, Grief. The more I heal, the more I regret all of those years of giving myself to men. Just giving myself to them. Sexually. Emotionally. An endless effluence of time and energy dedicated to what I told myself were deep connections, or, at the very least, fun and full of female liberation.

Passion. Desire. Words I said to myself to give myself something to believe in. Words to cover up the desperation I felt to be loved, to be seen. Words to justify the submission and compromise and abuse that I was certain would one day become my salvation.

Disgust. Men and their cocks and balls waggling about rudely, pushing into faces and places warm and wet. The greatest lay. The best blow job. The most desired woman. Emptiness. Loathing. I want to scream. I should scream. But I don't want to upset the dog or worry the neighbors.

It doesn't matter that I made uninformed and wounded choices. Sex with men is never happening again.

Time. I need more time. Trust. I need trust. You can't find trust in the stores. You can't therapize trust back into your body and just up and have another go at it. You definitely won't find trust swiping right in some app, no matter the gender.

Each time I open the gates to my heart I charge past the opportunities and run for the hills. Nature could hurt me if she really wanted to but so far she never has. She scares me some, but she lets me find trust in one person, even if that person is only me.

It's ok if it never happens, the letting someone in. I don't need to go out looking for it. I know where to stock up on fullness and joy in other places. I don't need to hurry. There's no ticking clock. The tides of loneliness will ebb and flow. Nature will take care of me. Maybe one day she'll bring a king tide. Deposit a curious, life-loving mermaid on the shore.

Or maybe she won't.

_{All pictures and words copyright Anna Horvitz (me) and cannot be used without my consent.}