What would you do if I sang out of tune?
The answer is what defines friendship. There are quite a few answers, of course, but only one way that makes the difference for me: Encouraging honesty. “You’re singing out of tune, you can do better.” As an example, for a musician. For me, after giving my best to the high pitched part in Creep and later in What’s going on, one of my best friends told be: “That was so much fun! You sang horribly, my ears bled, but it was still great.”
Accepting the other as the other.
Loving the other as the other.
That is friendship for me. There as been a change in me considering that definition in the last 10 years. I think I defined “friends” a lot as how aligned they were to my values, my convictions, my opinions. Now, it seems like it’s quite the opposite in the last two. Values, yes, there is no friendship without having a similarity in what importance we give to which value. On the other hand, my own convictions and opinions on how to shape society by what I deem valuable are sometimes wildly different from those that a friend of mine proposes. We have a similar balance of values, yet our take on how to turn the sub-optimal situations we’re currently experimenting into universally beneficial ones couldn’t be much more different.
Trust me.
Friendship is not so much about who is what and how, but about being open about it. Not that new-age fake open, but the real one. Being able to show the worst me. Knowing that it’s the worst me. Showing all my fears and insecurities and confusions and shortcomings – and being met with a “I can work with that. I’m different, but no better.” Being open like that generates trust. It’s easy to accept the good of everyone, party hard, have fun. But facing the dark, immoral sides, and being able to say “that’s you, but it doesn’t define you”?
I know what to expect from you. And what not.
That’s friendship. Knowing each other deeply enough to be very aware what the other is willing and capable to do, and what not. Not some romantic idealization like “a friend always has to be there for me!” That’s egocentrism. Conquering the other. Either you’re there for me when I need you, or you’re not my friend.
Friends for this, friends for that.
It’s hard to find real friends. And for me, it’s not done with one or two. As my definition of friendship dictates, I need to cover all the jobs. Who to steal horses with, who to bury corpses with, who to moralize with, who to improve with, who to philosophize with, who to save the world with, who to fight the world with. I’m too much of a personality to burden only one soul with. Maybe a buddha could take me on. But I still have to meet one, though I have a candidate.
Not me.
That’s a friend. An individual that I can accept as such. Too many people project their expectations onto others, and are then heavily disappointed when the others act by who they are, and not what they’re supposed to be according the expectations that the people created out of a mix of shallow understanding and the omnipresent and search for a connection, being open to artificially creating said connection through denying the other of being such, but instead creating an image of that that fits the “We’re best friends forever!” narrative. Out of necessity, not reality.
The perfect friendship is an ideal balance of harmony and dissonance.
We need that honest feedback from someone that loves us despite our shortcomings without turning a blind eye to it.
P.S.: Think or do - that's the difference between Ringo and Joe. I personally prefer Joe. With each day looking at this sad world, I care less about the thinking, and more about the doing.
What are your thoughts about this topic? Please feel free to engage in any original way, including dropping links to your posts on similar topics. I'm happy to read (and curate) any quality content that is not created by LLM/AI.
Post written for the #weekend-engagement by @galenkp inviting us to answer selected questions in the Weekend Experiences community each week.
This is my response to:
4/ A few close friends or many acquaintances? Which do you feel is better and why?
5/ What does friendship look like to you and why? Explain with examples.
Thank you for reading!
When I make new friends, I must come to terms with the fact that, the skeletons in their closet can't actually lift the baggage that I'm carrying 😌. We must accept our own imperfections and not expect others to be pure either.
Absolutely true. And yet, for an honest relationship, it's important to tell them "Hey, I'm carrying this baggage. It's mine, I'm okay with it, but I wanted you to know that it's there in case some of it falls over onto your foot."
A true friend should be willing to tell you your shortcomings and encourage and rejoice with your progress. I appreciate it when my friend tells me my flaws, it helps me to adjust. And I appreciate that friend the most.
That's a good attitude!
That's who I am. Once I notice that you are that type, I will go the extra mile with you.
You can have both. My best friend since 11 years old is there when I need her to be, like a sister would be. We have always had a romantic friendship: 'I love you like the stars above, I love you til I die'. She can bug the hell out of me sometimes but I love her unconditionally, although sometimes I wish she'd wear deodorant, and she accepts I'll call her Stinky when she doesn't.
I'd expect honesty but also tact, and knowing where the other is at and whether they are ready to hear it. I have a mate who is brutally honest so that it is jarring - I haven't seen her for a long while now and tbh it's harder work.
I hear that. It's why I don't have many friends I think. I can be changeable, like water, like air, which some people find hard. I don't always get the 'rules' of friendship. I'm very grateful for my one truest friend. We don't have all those stupid rules, just an undying committment to each other that has lasted for a very long time. Let me dig up a great photo tomorrow and you'll see straight away.
Yes, having both in the same time is the most valuable friendship. Kind of perfect. I have a friend who doesn't wear deodorant, either, but we usually meet in the morning, so it's okay. Lovely guy, too, one of those who would always be there for me, and always has.
Honesty without tact or compassion is reckless and can be very hurtful. I learned that lesson here to an extreme, being a direct person in a culture that doesn't value directness at all. Took some time to work that out, finding a way of saying things without hurting anyone.
Getting to the level where I can be myself comfortably takes time. Even though I try to be upfront with my shortcomings, it's still a work in progress.
Over the years, I've worked my way to viewing friends just as they are as opposed to having a rigid framework of what a friend should or shouldn't do based on xyz parameters. I like people being themselves and do stuffs based on that, makes it easier to go with the flow, both the good and the bad, sometimes the ugly too.
Yeah, there's a certain amount of privilege that goes with these conversations "a friend always has to be there for me" - it's just not practical for most people - we all have responsibilities and priorities. I'm happy to help a friend move house on a weekend, but I'm unlikely to do it during the working week... that doesn't mean I care about them any less, but I also have to survive.
As I've gotten older, I've found that I've ended up with different friends that cater to the different things I like... fitness friends, deep conversation friends, nerdy games friends, sports friends, etc etc. I've had friends in the past that wanted way more from me than I could give them - which fractured the friendship and meant they ended up getting way less - when really, they just needed to supplement my friendship with others to get everything they needed. I view romantic partners the same, it's unfair to expect everything from one person.
Yes, part of knowing your friends is definitely knowing on who to count for what. That makes it so much easier, and won't get anyone in a strange position - them having to say "no", and me receiving the "no" and being disappointed.