Chasing Stillness of Heart

There were nights when I found myself staring on my phone screen: scrolling, listening to music, and watching reels! Funny because my Instagram, Blue App, and even Tiktok account could suggest recommended videos to watch where I can say that I can relate! And most of them are connected about my feelings. Late nights realizations, over analyzing, thinking what's outside the box and overweighing things made me cry and feeling down. Well, I can say that it's a normal feelings for someone who's suffering from heartache (cornyyyy hahaha but real).

I was deeply affected by the distance, and lost communication we had with my close friend. When I was 20 years old, he was the first guy I trusted, the first one whom I allowed to get close to me, and the one I allowed myself to be comfortable with, a safe place and my comfort. He was the person I never expected to be close since when we were young we were worst than strangers, we don't have the courage to be friends even though we had some chances. Long story short: We got close, until we admitted we had feelings towards each others. Yet we slowly drifted away from each other due to some personal reasons that until now, I don't understand why? I even asked myself what we did wrong? What actions I caused for him to slowly drift away? But one thing for sure was we lacked of good communication and comprehension. We were not matured enough to talk about our feelings, yes I know that we're still young and we both have other goals in life to pursue, we're not yet financially stable, young, and still chasing our own dreams, and yes we're not emotionally stable. And those were the things that took us to slowly drift away from each other. I do have a lot of what ifs but eventually, I came to the point to just accept the current situation and just move forward.

Other readers might say that I was just over-analyzing the situation, it's okay. But he's a guy friend, a special someone, and my childhood crush that I did not expect to have feelings for me and he also considered me as his special someone, and of course as a delulu haha I hoped for something more than our situation, but of course it didn't happened. And until now, I don't understand, I am confused if he's just giving me time to process his actions or my feelings? Or he just let me go (Binitawan ba?) I dont know hahaha!

There's a quote I've read, it says; If he wanted to, he would.

And I came into a conclusion that he just like me but he can't pursue me. Because if he really like me that much then he will find a way to express and fix what we had.

Knowing him, his moves sometimes goes indirect... he cares indirectly, comfort indirectly, and invite indirectly. And I laughed to my thoughts sometimes: He might courting indirectly?! HAHAHA I just laughed on my own thoughts but you know... I can't help! He might stop talking to me because I didn't answer him, I didn't clearly said my feelings towards him, he might feel I just see him as a friend, he might say he doesn't have a chance to be more than friends? When in fact I could've give it to him! If and only if he asked me or he just clear things between us.

But of course, the Indirect was just my possible thought. I believed in If it's not a clear yes, then it's a clear no. (What if we have the same thoughts? hahaha)

I mean yes he likes me but he pulled away? Uhm, there must be a deep reason and I think the reasons are: He's not ready to pursue me, or he might dating another girl. Probably he pulled away for us to grow more? Well I don't exactly know the reasons.

I still care for him silently but I'm not hoping he felt the same anymore. Because the more I expect the more I get hurt. I also stop over thinking things that aren’t in my control, because time will reveal what is real. And if his intention, and feelings for me real then time will reveal. But if it goes contrary then it's not love. And I don't want to waste my tears anymore, I just hope that in that time... I'm fully healed so I can face the situation with no pain, yet full of acceptance. For now, let it hurt, let the feelings flow, until time will reveal the clarity I longed and will reveal what is real.

I'm hoping for a bright future, someday I will live with no ache but full of love. And for the better future, I am trying to build my self with love, patience, and maturity. I will work for better, and surely when the time is right and when my heart is ready to love and trust again... I hope it's clear. Real. Genuine. And a love that will last forever. And soon I'll be crying, not in pain but full of joy.

However for now, I am embracing the process of breathing in peace. I am trying to move forward, and pursue my dreams while healing. I know healing takes time. I need patience to feel the negative emotions, but I don't need to pretend that I am okay. I let my tears fall, I won't stop them until I burst out all the pain inside because I don't need to forget... I just need to slowly accept and live with ache.

I trust the process.

-Avisdale

If you reached this point, THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR READING THIS LIFE DRAMA.