The Wake-Up Bomb (and the sirens that followed)

9 days ago

I've been listening of late to albums that I played a lot during my youth, and today R.E.M.’s 'New Adventures in Hi-Fi' has stuck a chord with recent events and their inspiration for the the much needed emotional work I'm doing.

Yesterday 'The Wake Up Bomb' was selected by Spotify during my morning walk. I had to pause the track whilst asking if 'everything was in hand' to a group of girls - one of them on the floor receiving treatment for a nasty cut on her foot with blood, drying fast in the heat sticking to the pavement. One girl stated another was a nurse, and so I let them know where the nearest docs was (very close) and went on with my walk, looking back and smiling as I saw an ambulance, backed up in traffic due to the daily rubbish collection, stop at the scene - this girl had plenty of care available, and not even by request.

After hearing this track from the album, I had to go find the complete record and listen through, from a different perspective from the 17 year old who bought the album in 1996 - with proceeds for almost a full days work filing and or stacking shelves. As I listened through, the sounds and lyrics arrived like a mirror.

And the reflection - a relationship I shouldn’t have been in which was quietly making me ill. So, a breakdown of me — through the lens of four tracks that marked the beginning, the middle, the moment I woke up, and the moment I finally said enough.

So Fast, So Numb – The High and the hollowness

You’re moving through my veins / You're like the cold, cold blood to my soul

This is how it began — not as something gentle or stable, but as something electric or like a backdraft taking place when you open a door in a blazing building without checking for heat or smoke first. Something that bypassed logic and went straight into my nervous system. She didn’t arrive like love but more like an intoxicating, relentless fire, and I let it in.

Bypassing logic and hitting like a class A, it felt like being seen with moments of pure aliveness, but beneath it my body knew something wasn't right.

You're coming onto something so fast, so numb that you can't even feel

The sense that something reckless had been let in, and now it was too late to undo. I didn’t feel safe but I felt wanted, and the child confused the two.

Bittersweet Me – The Dissonance

You move across, innocence lost. All static and desire.

Knowing deep down I/we were being horrible people, and glossing over that for just a few hours a week.

I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore
...
I don't know who you're living for
I don't who you are anymore

This was the part of the relationship, prior to cohabiting, where things got blurry. Lots of confusion, mixed signals, parts of me I had to switch off, or even clearer now, my body switching off e.g. Fainting with worry and shame, stress highlighting an impaired kidney that suffered in mostly silence until now.

I'd wake up with that heaviness in my gut, literally. 'Rest and Digest' being overruled by 'Fight or Flight', sleep became more and more interrupted and my distended stomach clearly very upset. But I waited, cause that's what I new, that's what the boy understood was love.

I'd sooner chew my leg off / Than be trapped in this

Numerous times my words spoke of ending what we had started, but my actions didn't mirror those words. And so ever hopeful/blind/intoxicated/ and almost fully seen, the boy continued to wait, catching only glimpses that surviving those many months 'hanging on' came with consequences.

We/I got what we/I thought we/I wanted though, at least for a few months. But as anyone I'd let in enough to see what was happening would hint -it's going to be tough to build anything including words such as lust, desire, lies, deceit, shame, and regret. I'm sure we both felt it, but failed to communicate it appropriately. Me, the no filter emotionally driven outbursts, her, the poker-faced delivery of emotions, sounding at times so withdrawn and sounding like notes from a phycologists notepad.

I read online that all new relationships should start with some therapy... that doesn't sound too unreasonable right now.

And so with needs unmet and eternal forgiveness and unfathomable tolerance waiting at 'home', she was gone. (The dynamics of this relationship, oh my! but again, not my story and of little use to my journey now)

The Wake-Up Bomb – The Snap

And so from feeling most wanted, losing my job and then the girl, my self-worth plummeted to new lows. Perfect conditions really for a 'Hi, fancy lunch this week' message to land and be accepted, by the same hurt child. And so, it began again, almost like the first week - the fire of desire the same as it was, prior to owning up and confronting to life together.

As she departed, words of regret or a decision to end things between us made to hastily (with a 'lady week' reference thrown in), I felt something different. A different kind of upset and sadness, leading to anger, and a realisation - I can't physically go through this again.

I threw up when I saw what I'd done

Although I acknowledge now that this was and is not my battle, I resented that I couldn't see the guilt, the shame, and the undoing of her self-esteem and health, and that things were now back to suiting her needs.

My head's on fire and high esteem
Carry my dead bored, "been there, done that", uh, anything

Not again. Even if you can - how can you, how?

I had to knock a few buildings over, I make an ugly mess
I had to blow a gasket, drop transmission, I had to decompress
...
I wake up (Wake up), I wake up (Wake up)

This was my Wake-Up Bomb, fool me and fuck me up once...

Leave – The End

I can leave, but I won't go

I did though, on a Strawberry moon rising out of Sagittarius - my half-birthday and one most significant in 'my' stars - unbeknown to me at the time.

'Leave' contains a relentless siren that pulses through the entire song. I've always appreciated how bold it was for REM to slap that over a seven minute record. It wasn't background noise yesterday, but echo's of a toasted nervous system, a body in need of repairs, and a representation of peace being nowhere to be found if I continued this loop.

Now I dream a dream
I lost myself, I lost self
Are they calling me?
I lost myself in sorrow
I lost myself in pain
I lost myself in gravity
Memory, leave, leave, leave

Finally the urgent need to find peace in my whirring head became louder than the siren itself. I told some truths, enough to make clear I could no longer burn with her and no longer wanted to live like this.

I'm still leaving, I know it. One day at a time mate, eh?

Asher

You've played around, you played me lover
....
You're moving so hard, so fast, so numb
That you can't even feel

life manchild development selfworth holdyourfire selflove

0.000

24 comments

@abh12345 80

9 days ago

So fast, So numb

[Verse 1]
You're moving through rough waters, motel boy
And swimming in your sleep
How could I be so blind, mis-sighted
Not to see there's something wounded deep?
Well, anyone could scratch your surface now
It's all amphetamine
You're blasting yourself into the present
To blur some past indignity, say that

[Pre-Chorus]
You say that you hate it
You want to recreate it

[Chorus]
I've been around, I've been your lover
I let it go at Kill Devil Hill
You're coming onto something so fast, so numb
That you can't even feel

[Verse 2]
You're drinking raw adrenal, baby
And do-si-do, saddo
You're eating cartilage, shark eyes, shark heart, all present tense
And boy, your blood is running cold
Listen, this is now, this is here, this is me
This is what I wanted you to see
That was then, was that, that is gone, is passed
You cast yourself, cast passed by, thrown down fast
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[Pre-Chorus]
You say, you say that you hate it
You want to recreate it

[Chorus]
I've played this round, I've played your lover
I played it out to the hilt, woah
You're coming onto something so fast, so numb
That you can't even feel

[Guitar Solo]

[Bridge]
You love it, you hate it
You want to recreate it
Now, this is here, this is me
This is what I wanted you to see
That was then, was that, that is gone
Is what I wanted you to feel

[Pre-Chorus]
You love it, you hate it
I'm spitting out the bitter pill, woah

[Chorus]
I've been around, I've been your lover
I let it go at Kill Devil Hill
You're coming onto something so fast, so numb
That you can't even feel, woah
I've played this round, I've played your lover
I played it out to the hilt, woah
You're coming onto something so fast, so numb
That you can't even feel
You've played around, you played me lover
I let it go at Kill Devil Hill, woah
You're moving so hard, so fast, so numb
That you can't even feel

0.000

@abh12345 80

9 days ago

Bittersweet Me

[Verse 1]
I move across, innocence lost
All flashing pulsar
I move across the earth in my new patterned shirt
I pass satellites
"You're so bitter," your complaint
I can't give you anything
I don't know who you're living for
I don't who you are anymore

[Pre-Chorus]
I'd sooner chew my leg off
Than be trapped in this
How easy you think of all of this as bittersweet me

[Chorus]
I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore

[Verse 2]
I move across, candy floss
I move like a tank
I move across the room with a heart full of gloom
I'm stronger than you think
Oh, my peer, your veneer
Is wearing thin and cracking
The surface informs underneath
Underneath is lacking
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[Pre-Chorus]
I'd sooner chew my leg off
Than be trapped in this
How easy you think of all of this as bittersweet me

[Chorus]
I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore

[Verse 3]
You move across, innocence lost
All static and desire
You're blue in the face from navel gaze
You set yourself on fire
You strip down and lay yourself out
I know you can't fake it
But are you tired and naked?
Oh, are you tired and naked?
Yeah

[Pre-Chorus]
I'd sooner chew my leg off
Than be trapped in this
How easy you think of all of this as bittersweet me
[Chorus]
I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore
I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore
I couldn't taste it
I'm tired and naked
I don't know what I'm hungry for
I don't know what I want anymore

0.000

@abh12345 80

9 days ago

The Wake-up Bomb

[Verse 1]
I look good in a glass pack, I look good and mean
I look good in metallic sick wraparound and blackout tease
I scud along the horizon, I drink some sweet tree tea
I get high in my low-ass, boot-cut, cheap, I like being seen
I look good in my drink-eat-no-sleep, take-a-leap longevity
I get high on my attitude, latitude, 1973
Oh, I'm in deep

[Pre-Chorus]
My head's on fire and high esteem
Carry my dead bored, "been there, done that", uh, anything

[Chorus]
Oh, the wake-up bomb
Oh, the wake-up bomb
Oh, the wake-up bomb
Oh, the wake-up bomb
My head's on fire and high esteem
Get drunk and sing along to Queen
Practice my T-Rex moves and make the scene
Carry my dead bored, "been there, done that", uh, anything

[Verse 2]
I had to knock a few buildings over, I make an ugly mess
I had to blow a gasket, drop transmission, I had to decompress
I had to write the Great American Novel, I had a neutron bomb
I had to teach the world to sing by the age of 21
I wake up (Wake up), I wake up (Wake up)
I threw up when I saw what I'd done
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[Chorus]
Oh, the wake-up bomb
Oh, the wake-up bomb
My head's on fire and high esteem
Get drunk and sing along to Queen
Practice my T-Rex moves and make the scene
Oh, I'd rather be anywhere, doing anything

[Bridge]
I've had enough, I've seen enough, I had it all, I'm giving up
I won the race, I broke the cup, I drank it all, I spit it up
I've had enough, I've seen enough, I had it all, I'm giving up
I won the race, I broke the cup, I drank it all, I spit it up
Yeah, atomic, supersonic, what a joke, uh, "I'm dumb"
"See ya, d-don't want to be ya", lunch meat, pond scum

[Outro]
My head's on fire in high esteem
Get drunk and sing along to Queen
Practice my T-Rex moves and make the scene
Yooh, I'd rather be anywhere doing anything
Yeah, I'd rather be anywhere doing anything
Yeah, I'd rather be anywhere doing anything
Yeah...

0.000

@abh12345 80

9 days ago

Leave

[Verse 1]
Nothing could bring me closer
Nothing could bring me near
Where is the road I follow
To leave it? Leave
It's under, under, under my feet
The sea spread out there before me
Where do I go when the land touches sea?
There is my trust in what I believe

[Chorus]
That's what keeps me, that's what keeps me
That's what keeps me down
So leave it, leave it
Leave it all behind

[Verse 2]
Shift into dream
Nothing could bring me further from my old friend time
This shift into dream, it's charging the scene
I know where I marked the signs
I suffer dreams of a world gone mad
I like it like that, and I know it
Oh, I know it well, ugly and sweet
I temper madness with an even extreme
That's what keeps me, that's what keeps me
That's what keeps me down
I say that I'm a bantam lightweight
I say that I'm a phantom airplane that never left the ground
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[Chorus]
That's what keeps me, that's what keeps me
That's what keeps me down
Oh, leave, leave it
Leave it all behind

[Verse 3]
Lift me, lift me
Now I dream a dream
I lost myself, I lost self
Are they calling me?
I lost myself in sorrow
I lost myself in pain
I lost myself in gravity
Memory, leave, leave, leave

[Chorus]
That's what keeps me, that's what keeps me
That's what keeps me down
So leave it, leave it
Leave it all behind
That's what keeps me, that's what keeps me
That's what keeps me down
So leave it, leave it
Leave it all behind
[Verse 4]
I lift my hands, my eyes are still
I walk into the sea
I shed myself, a different place
Then leave it
I've longed for this to take me
I've longed for my release
I've waited for the calling
To leave, leave

[Outro]
Leave, leave
Leave, leave
I'm leaving, leaving

0.000

@tarazkp 85

9 days ago

I really enjoyed this journey. Thanks.

The "soundtracks" of our lives don't really make sense until there is some experience under the belt and enough pain to start reflecting. I think it is quite a hard learning process and while we would like to think we learn from mistakes, it generally takes a lot more than making one before the lesson sinks in. We keep playing the same habits of our past over and over, instead of finding new ways.

Will you take new paths now?

0.000

@abh12345 80

9 days ago (Edited)

Yep, i agree - the pain has to be there, notieable in body and mind for me to consider learning where i've gone astray.

it generally takes a lot more than making one (mistake) before the lesson sinks in.

I've opened my heart to an embarrassing number of girls who weren’t truly available, and just blamed them and moved on, learning nothing.

This time there was collateral damage to a friend and my body was crying out long before I 'saw sense'. This path i cannot walk down again, and really, i had massive reasons not to, as did she.

It sounds so simple, avoid the ones still connected in their heart to others. They have to be honest of course, amd some weren't, but I had a pretty clear view this time, and still...

I still needed another lesson I guess. And I'm sure I'll be grateful in the future to the girl i always told was a great teacher.

There's lots left to uncover and reassess, and at the end i not only want to be walking a different path, but doing so with confidence and a bag full of self-worth - cause there will be tests, always.

Thank you.

0.000

@bpcvoter2 -7

9 days ago

Who Are The Leaders of Hive?

Hive, a blockchain born of rebellion against centralization, now stands at a crossroads. Its ethos—decentralized, community-driven, and free—is shadowed by a corrosive reality: the unchecked power of entities like @themarkymark and @buildawhale, whose coordinated downvotes and acrimonious tactics have driven creators to despair. This is not governance; it is a tyranny of silence.

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The Exodus and the Alternative

Creators flee. Talented voices, weary of punitive curation, migrate to platforms like Blurt, where downvotes are absent and dialogue thrives. Blurt’s rise will be no accident; its simplicity—a sanctuary from Hive’s toxicity—highlights a fatal flaw in our ecosystem. A single change here could tip the scales. Imagine Blurt embraced by investors, listed on centralized exchanges, and fortified by liquidity. It needs only a catalyst.

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Accountability: Transparency in curation trails. End the shadowy alliances that silence critics.
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The choice is ours. Let it be written in history that we chose wisely.

Hive leadership crisis, decentralized governance reform, Blurt vs Hive, Bilpcoin transparency, blockchain accountability, downvote ethics.

#HiveTransparency #CommunityOverCensorship

from Imgflip Meme Generator

@themarkymark @buildawhale & Co

You wield downvotes like a weapon, striking indiscriminately at whoever displeases you, whenever it suits your whim. And why? Why do you call people names as though their humanity is secondary to your ego? Is this how you justify your behavior—to diminish others so they might seem less worthy of fairness? You claim disdain for AI on Hive, yet your inner circle freely employs it without consequence. No downvotes for them, only for those outside your charmed circle. Tell us, why are you so selective in whom you punish and whom you protect?

from Imgflip Meme Generator

https://hive.blog/hive/@themarkymark/re-bpcvoter2-swxxng

@themarkymark & Co.,

We are being completely honest here, and you know it. The transactions don’t lie—you cannot escape this, no matter who you bring in to back you up. It won’t work. You’ve already exposed many of those close to you, so let’s be clear: WE ARE NOT TROLLING YOU. WE ARE SIMPLY SHARING THE TRUTH. And the Bilpcoin team is far from stupid. Calling us names changes nothing—it only fuels our determination to work harder.

from Imgflip Meme Generator

IT’S OVER.

SPEAK UP. MAKE NOISE. TAKE A STAND.

TURN OFF THE BUILDAWHALE SCAM FARM
STOP THE BAD DOWNVOTES
STOP PLAYING WITH PEOPLE’S LIVELIHOODS

Key Issues That Demand Immediate Attention:

The problems are glaring, undeniable, and corrosive to the Hive ecosystem. They must be addressed without delay:

Downvote abuse
Farming schemes
Speaking disrespectfully to others
Encouraging people to avoid certain users out of personal dislike
Self-voting with alt accounts
Self-funding projects through self-votes
Promoting games that don’t even exist (LOL)

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Staked HIVE (HP): 273,472.276
Total: 246,351.982
Delegated HIVE: -27,120.294
- Delegated Out:
  - @curamax: 17,132 HP (Jan 11, 2025)
  - @livepayout: 2,515 HP (Mar 5, 2025)
  - @yablonsky: 1,011 HP (Jan 17, 2025)
  - @thebighigg: 1,005 HP (Mar 26, 2025)

Recent Activity:

Received from @punkteam -0.172 HBD (Jan 20, 2024)
Received from @punkteam -327.485 HIVE (Jan 20, 2024)
Received from @punkteam -248.912 HIVE (Jan 9, 2024)
Received from @punkteam -248.772 HIVE (Dec 28, 2023)
Received from @punkteam -3.155 HBD (Dec 26, 2023)
Received from @punkteam -497.127 HIVE (Dec 26, 2023)
Received from @punkteam -248.356 HIVE (Dec 9, 2023)

@rollingbones Wallet:

Author Rewards: 212.88
Curation Rewards: 29.09
Staked HIVE (HP): 0.08
Rewards/Stake Co-efficient (KE): 2,880.63

Recent Activity:

Sent to ipromote -0.014 HIVE (Aug 19, 2021)
Sent to ipromote -0.449 HIVE (Jul 27, 2021)
Sent to ipromote -0.265 HIVE (Jul 10, 2021)
Sent to ipromote -1.202 HIVE (Jul 3, 2021)
Sent to ipromote -0.479 HIVE (Jun 8, 2021)
Sent to ipromote -2.945 HIVE (Jun 1, 2021)
Sent to ipromote -4.290 HIVE (Apr 20, 2021)
Sent to honey-swap -1.107 HIVE (Feb 10, 2021)
Sent to ipromote -0.895 HIVE (Jan 11, 2021)
Sent to ipromote -12.025 HIVE (Mar 7, 2020)

The blockchain data tells the story plainly and clearly. We are not fabricating these claims; we are merely presenting what is already visible for all to see. As we’ve repeatedly urged @themarkymark & Co—the solution is simple: STOP.

SO PLEASE STOP. It’s time to do what’s right for Hive and its community. Why cling to practices that harm others? Power down, step away, and let Hive thrive as it was meant to. You bring nothing positive to this ecosystem.

THOSE WHO ARE WATCHING—THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

PLEASE STOP.

@themarkymark, Can You Explain Why the Bilpcoin Team’s Accounts Are on Your Blacklist?

@themarkymark We understand you’re a fan of data—so are we. After all, data is king, and when it comes to blockchain, transactions don’t lie and can’t be changed.

@buildawhale’s daily grift

@themarkymark’s 2.4 Hive Power scam farm
For more insights into blockchain transparency and accountability, visit Bilpcoin’s Publish0x page.

https://peakd.com/hive-126152/@bpcvoter1/addressing-concerns-about-hive-s-growth-and-community-dynamics

https://peakd.com/hive-133987/@bpcvoter3/isn-t-it-funny-how-themarkymark-and-co-are-suddenly-talking-about-ke-levels-on-hive-well-look-what-we-found-some-of-the-accounts

https://peakd.com/hive-122609/@bpcvoter3/themarkymark-and-co-imagine-if-all-the-top-witnesses-prioritized-their-mental-health-hive-would-undoubtedly-be-a-better-place

https://peakd.com/hive-178265/@bpcvoter1/how-can-we-take-someone-seriously-when-they-have-been-exposed-through-clear-evidence-blockchain-transactions-and-data-and-then

https://peakd.com/hive-126152/@bpcvoter2/we-agree-it-s-not-a-joke-themarkymark-and-co-your-mental-health-and-the-well-being-of-those-around-you-are-deeply-concerning-to

#bilpcoin we must stop the #buildawhalescam #buildawhalefarm #themarkymarkscam #themarkymarkfarm on #hive #thedarksideofhive

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@meesterboom 81

9 days ago

Next time, shit in their handbag and send them in their way.

60% of the time it works 100% of the time 😀

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@abh12345 80

9 days ago

😅
Take the brick out first?

Looking forward to a future where i can freely shit into a handbag if I feel the need brewing!

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@meesterboom 81

9 days ago

It's the future and the future is ~~shitty~~ golden!! 😀😀

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@themarkymark 81

9 days ago

That picture made me think Castaway 2 is being released.

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@bpcvoter2 -7

9 days ago

Who Are The Leaders of Hive?